Bach--weighing in on adultery > Comments on What you've always suspected but were afraid to ask

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I don't think so

No, you're, quite simply, wrong.  In life, there is no greater love (if we leave out religion if you are religious) than your spouse and your children.  You may loose the love for your spouse, but never for your children, unless they are axe murderers or something.  The love you create by having an affair is a false love, like a  false idol--both are doomed to fail--it's just a matter of time (thanks Brooks Benton).  I'm just having a little trouble believing that sex is more important that the lives of your children--maybe it's just me.  Of course you can always tell them that they’re too young to understand, or that’s just the way it is.  But why not simply tell them the truth—I loved something and/or someone more than you, so live with it.

posted by Bach on October 12, 2005 at 8:58 PM | link to this | reply

Adultery is horrible, but my husband abused me every night for 18 1/2 yrs.

I feel like there are several way a parent can say that they love someone more than their own child and their spouse.  In my first marriage my husband cared only about eating, sex ( I don't mean making love, I mean jump on top of me, no kissing, no hugging, no pretense of foreplay.)  I figured there must be  something wrong with me because in the movies the women seemed like they were as anxious to participate as the men.

I was over 35 years old and had absolutely no idea what 'lovemaking' was.  I just knew that if I wasn't in the hospital over night, I was having that done to me.  My stiches from my first baby were ripped out by him.  There had only been in 1 1/2 days.  I cried my self to sleep.  What was wrong  with me why didn't I eagerly want to jump in the sack and make love all night long?

Finally, out of shear desperation I went to a sex therapist.  A very wonderful man, a professor at a large university.  He was professional, intelligent and amazed by my low self esteem.  Well let me tell you there is nothing esteem building about bruises from the inside of your legs to your knees because of the treatment you were getting evey night.  My doctor said have you ever had an orgasm?  I said 'I don't know, what is an orgasm?  He said if I'd had one I would know.

From there he explained to me that to some people just jumping on each other and 3 minutes later being asleep was all that they wanted or desired.  My husband had to have  his 3 minutes every day, just like his 3 meals, his breathing and his heart pumping blood through his body.  It is a primal habit.  It is in no way connected to love, respect, caring, tenderness or any of those other words associated with lovemaking.  I needen't be embarassed the doctor said, it is pretty difficult for an affectionate, demonstrative, inexperienced woman to have an orgasm when all she is getting is jumped on, forced into and then left to cry herself asleep for every night for 18 1/2 years. 

What was really interesting was years after the divorce was final I asked him all of those women whose names you keep track of in your book and who you rate by some sick little system.  Do they let you jump them like you did me?  He chuckled and replied, no, no one else would put up with it.  So they told me what to do and when and then I just went from one to another doing what they said, sometimes I didn't even know their names.  You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but I loved him with every ounce of my being.  But I was a virgin until him, so I didn't know that no kissing, no holding, no hugging wasn't the way 'everybody was doing it'.

posted by fairypower on October 9, 2005 at 1:44 AM | link to this | reply

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