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I must agree with Bettyboop....a dealbreaker...unless you are willing to turn into a resentful nag who ends up divorced.....
posted by
Original_Influence
on June 21, 2005 at 7:40 AM
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Dealbreaker
You are in a tough position. The more time you spend with a guy, the more you feel you have invested (like a business). Therefore it is harder to walk away.
That said, the kids issue is a what I call a "dealbreaker." You have to be on the same page on such a big issue.
I wouldn't waste any more time with this guy unless you are willing to give up on having kids. That would probably make you very resentful and sad. Plus you would have to give up completely and truly - no tricked pregnancies or oops pregnancies. Either way, two adults having sex have to know this is always a possibility. It's best to find a man who understands this and won't walk out on you in that situation.
Find someone who wants the same things out of life as you do. It's best to sort this stuff out before things get too serious.
Sorry if I sound like Dr. Laura. I'm far from it. I've made lots and lots of mistakes through the years.
posted by
bettyboop1967
on June 20, 2005 at 10:22 PM
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Talion
Thanks, I know you are right. I know I feel more isolated and less valuable because I am just an unmarried, unemployed 20-something who doesn't have a shred of clarity about her future. I have always wanted children since I was a child myself, obviously did not literally/ physically want them at that moment in time, but wanted them just the same. I wanted to be a mommy and a wife first and a careerwoman second. All these years later that is still the case. It often seems too many people focus on career, career, career, and chances to have children pass them by because they are so intent on their achievements and goals. I am happy to be a writer, a typist, a phone call fielder, whatever it takes to support a family I hope to have in the future. It is not that I want a child right this moment, while I don't have the resources to support him or her, but that I would rather have one now than never.
You offer wise advice and I just can't seem to get myself to let go of this guy I love. But I would be devastated to accept the fact that I may never have children. I suppose life is often full of painful and difficult decisions...
posted by
DancesWithWords
on June 20, 2005 at 9:45 PM
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mmm-w
thanks for your comments and your support - it means a lot to me. :)
posted by
DancesWithWords
on June 20, 2005 at 9:38 PM
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DancesWithWords
I say this only because you asked. You're only 24. To hell with whatever the egg donation clinic has to say. You still have a good ten years or more to have children. Why do you need a timetable? Also, if you're with a guy who has stated he doesn't want children, it would be in everyone's best interest not to get pregnant. I don't know the guy so I don't want to imply anything negative about him, and you may be right. He may change his mind when the time comes, but why take that chance? Look at it from his point of view. If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel? I think this whole thing is a result of your lack of a career. Not a full-time job, but a career, something you wouldn't mind doing for the next thirty or so years, with possibilities of advancement, steady income, etc. It sounds as if right now you lack a sense of purpose and you think a child will give you one. If you want a child, great, but make absolutely sure it's for the right reasons. Lastly, I'm 37 and my wife and I don't have kids, so what do I know? It doesn't matter what I or any other blogger thinks. You have to live your life, you are responsible for your own happiness, you have to deal with the results of your decisions. We're just a bunch of nameless, faceless strangers pouring out of hearts for pennies. Our opinions really shouldn't matter.
posted by
Talion
on June 20, 2005 at 9:30 PM
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well, in honesty, as i have read your blog, i assumed you meant your screen name all along. (as in new to blogging at the point in which you started.....)
tough questions you ask about your relationship....
there aren't guarantees. even not with marriage. although i am sure you know that!
posted by
mmm-w
on June 20, 2005 at 9:11 PM
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