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UH,
The feelings that you are going through don't seem strange to me at all. Does that mean you are ''normal,'' or does it mean that I'm crazy? I don't know. I've never been diagnosed one way or the other, but the feelings that you seem to be going through seem, to me, to be the same as the feeling that other people go through. Sometimes I wonder if they are even aware, themselves, of what is going through their minds. I can see the feelings that they are dealing with, is it possible that they do not? I honestly don't know.
Just go easy on yourself. From my perspective you are having normal feelings, you have just been taught that they are not. Maybe I'm nuts, but I refuse to submit myself to the consequences of accepting that.
JJ
posted by
Jack_Flash
on May 27, 2005 at 6:23 PM
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Hacker,
I just want to let you know, because I've been down a similar (not the same, but similar) path: that is so easy to get caught up in a situation and not see daylight at the end of the tunnel. I've been reading you for long enough to know how determined you are to stay independent, but accepting help is not the same thing as becoming helpless. Without knowing your relationship to your family, I'd guesss that your Mom probably wants to alleviate the burden on you, to lighten it for you, and offering you shelter in a time of crisis is what good families do for each other.
So, yeah, I lived for years, not wanting to admit to anyone my bipolar disorder because of the stigma, so I know how that goes, I just want to encourage you not to put yourself into too a position where you're stressed out beyond your ability to cope.
posted by
Blanche.
on May 27, 2005 at 5:15 PM
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Factor and Mary
I had written a comment before, but I guess I forgot to post it! I’ll try and say what I said again.
You’re both right, I often am far too hard on myself. I’m having a hard time telling myself that I’m not less worthy of a person due to my disease, mainly because of how everyone talks about mentally ill people. I know it’s only out of ignorance, but it still isn’t easy to put out of my mind. I’m working hard on getting through it though, letting it not matter.
Thank you both for caring =). It means a lot to me.
posted by
Unidentified_Hacker
on May 27, 2005 at 5:09 PM
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mary_x is right UH
Don't beat yourself up so much. An illness is an illness and oddly being too conscientious about work can make it worse. Again...I know it is really hard to admit when you just have to do things differently because of a disease. But when it comes right down to it, which is more important your job (and the people and opinions there) or your health (and the rest of your life!) Let the self preservation kick in...it takes a while to unstress even after you do what I did and just bail (with 2 weeks notice of course.)
Truly, you sound an awful lot like I was a decade ago. Find the right job or try the disability angle (Mike's Goddess just posted some info.) You can get a life back! No it will never be as if you never got sick, but it can be a whole lot more enjoyable!
Good luck and have a good weekend!! 
Isn't that lame? You'd think they could do better. 
posted by
FactorFiction
on May 27, 2005 at 12:11 PM
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Hacker,
YOu are such a good, conscientious employee for you to care this much about how you affect the company. You sound like you've put forth a heroic amount of effort, especially in light of your illness. You're doing yeoman's work. I know it's never pleasant not to meet your own expectations or someone else's perceived expectations, but please, please don't beat yourself up so much, and the black-and-white thinking about "He must think I'm a terible person, if I can't do this job, what hope for me?" is terribly destructive and wrong. There is hope, there is freelancing, doing work that is less structured, but still within your abilities, which are considerable. As far as moving back to your parent's guest house, it's not the end of the world, or your future. That situation you were in, with that horrible, horrible girlfiend and your lameass roommate were negatively impacting your health. That particular situation was negative, now, you have a chance to re-group, to refocus, and rest. This is the reality, my friend, but it doesn't have to be a destructive doom.
posted by
Blanche.
on May 27, 2005 at 11:32 AM
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