Go to Poetry: Gravely Poetic
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Innocence Captured (edited by poetjpb because you askedA)
pushing back the curtains I find
no sun, but dead trees
With long branches, bony fingers
Wanting to scratch my skin
and make me bleed, so I can feel
Anything but the cold tile
Beneath my dirty feet, blue
And black, like the bruises left
By your hands, massive and tough
When they should have been
Tender, like my heart on the spit
Lost in rotation, a simple goodbye
Whispered in my ear as though
Afraid to say it loud enough
For God to hear that he might
Punish you for breaking a heart
as pure as if it was molded by angels.
Anyone have suggestions on how to make it better let me know. =)
posted by
poetjpb
on
February 23, 2005
at
9:48 PM
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Mia.....very nice!
posted by
Original_Influence
on
January 26, 2005
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6:17 PM
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Very easy reading; interesting play on the emotions...
posted by
scriber
on
January 25, 2005
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1:37 PM
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Mia, some of the best are 'quickies'...lol...
posted by
void-is
on
January 25, 2005
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12:40 PM
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I wrote this rather hastily
in fact, within a minute or two...so I know it needs work, just curious as to what...but I am surprised by how many people like an unfinished poem..hehe.
posted by
MiaElla
on
January 25, 2005
at
12:35 PM
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Mia, I liked this poem very much...as for changes, well, this is a matter
of personal taste, but I think the last line takes away some of the depth of poem...hmmm, how to put it another way?...
Ah, ok. As I was reading it, I envisioned a very sophisticated woman who was letting me peep into her private world of emotions...and then at the end I saw an adolescent peeping out at me... does that make sense?
Or...maybe I just have problems with angels...what do I know?...
Great poem, nonetheless...
posted by
void-is
on
January 25, 2005
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12:20 PM
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Let me add... I REALLY liked the visuals with the tree branches...
posted by
Renigade
on
January 25, 2005
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12:14 PM
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THIS IS BRILLAINT......
well done.....so creative
posted by
_Symphony_
on
January 25, 2005
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12:13 PM
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I suck at poetry, so no, no ideas. Sounds good so far, though.
posted by
Renigade
on
January 25, 2005
at
11:59 AM
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Make it better??? Dude its AWESOME!! I loved it! Especially the last line 
posted by
Tanoolicious
on
January 25, 2005
at
11:58 AM
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