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Kay-Ren

I am going to rewrite it and will let the reviewers know when

posted by beachbelle on January 24, 2005 at 4:49 PM | link to this | reply

Kay-Ren

I am so sorry, I just spotted this review. Thank you for your wonderful encouragement.

I can see now how to rewrite the thing ...almost from scratch. I am thrilled that you like the idea. It is not something everyone would go for.

posted by beachbelle on January 24, 2005 at 4:48 PM | link to this | reply

Critique by Kay-Ren (Loved this BB! What happens next?)

Ten times she had made this journey. Ten times her shoes had clicked across the white tiles along that corridor. Her complexion looked sallow under the fluorescent lights, as if she had flown not three hours but 18. (I liked the numbers used in this opening paragraph. It makes me think that there is something ominous about the number.)

But this time was different. She was not a tourist, not that the immigration people would be told, but a woman with a job to do.
Normally at this point after touchdown she was desperate for the relaxation to begin and her real life to melt away into the background as heat and hedonism took over. She felt like she couldn’t quite relax and yet was not stressed. “How hard can it be? I know where I am going and what I am doing.” (Did she think this or say it out loud?)

She had her cash ready and handed it to the immigration official. He asked no questions. Probably best (comma) she thought, now she wouldn’t need to pretend.

After retrieving her luggage she wheeled the trolley out of the air-conditioning into a sheet of warm air. She had told her friends not to come to the airport - they were always making pick-ups and deliveries at the airport. Now she regretted her choice. It would have been nice to be met.

But she spotted a man holding a board with the name, " (typo: space between quotation mark and name.) Miss Sylvia Gem".

"Hello" she said to the driver.
“Hello (comma) follow me please.” He took over the trolley and wheeled it down the ramp to his cab.
He drove at (This sentences seems kind of choppy. Did you maybe mean to put in “high speeds” instead of “at speed”? I’d also suggest breaking the sentence into two sentences since we have two different subjects. His driving and their talking.) speed through the airport town, and they spoke as much as the overlap of their respective languages allowed. It was Sylvia’s willingness to engage with anyone that had landed her the job. (Consider revising this sentence to remove the word “It” “Sylvia’s willingness to engage in conversation with just about anyone had landed her this job.”)
Thirty minutes later they drew in to the village and Sylvia felt immediately at home until she saw something that she was not prepared for and unwilling to engage with. (Engage with? Odd phrasing that pulls the reader out of the story. Perhaps “deal with” might fit better?”)
She saw him from behind. It had to be him. She would recognize that walk and the curl and color of that hair anywhere. And yet it couldn't be. How could it be him? (Too many usages of “it” in this paragraph. Stephen King, in his “On Writing” book states that we should always try to let our readers know what It is instead of using the word it. I struggle with this so that’s probably why the words usage here is so startling to me. Suggested revision: “She saw him. His back was to her. Could it be anyone but him? She’d recognize his walk and the curl and color of his hair anywhere. Yet, he couldn’t possibly be here. How could he be here?)
It was her husband walking down the road, and he was not alone. His arm was wrapped around the back of a woman, no one Sylvia had ever seen before, and he was looking down (comma) directly into her face. As Sylvia tried to swing her neck to an impossible position to get a better look, they stepped down a side alley.

“What is he doing here?”
“Why didn’t anyone tell me?” (Did she think this or speak aloud?)

Joe had abandoned Sylvia to discover himself. Or so Sylvia thought. They were not even divorced.

Before she had time to take in what she had seen the taxi (pulled up to) was pulling up at the villas.
Sylvia wanted a moment to compose herself, (Word wants to put a space between her and self) to comprehend what she had seen and to be ready to step into her new role.
She was not allowed that.

Outside the villla people were milled (milling around) about something, shaking their heads and pointing. Before she had even stepped (stepping) over the threshold her job as manager had begun.
Her thoughts about Joe would have to wait.......


(This is an excellent start to a novel and I found myself caught up in wanting to see what had and will happen. I hope this helps.)

posted by Kay-Ren on January 23, 2005 at 1:50 PM | link to this | reply

Thank you Word.smith

I appreciate your review. It has been a good response and a fascinating exercize from my point of view. Thank you for rounding up everyone. I can already see how it can be improved considerably. I will post a new, quite different version. It won't be for everyone as it is not going to be an action story but about people re-evaluating their lives. The funny thing is that here where I am stepping away from facts deliberately, every reviewer has wanted more facts ;-)

Re the numbers, the style I used applies when writing articles - I would have to check re fiction. In writing articles - all numbers up to nine are in word form and all numbers greater than 10 are written as numbers.
The exception is at the beginning of sentences when all numbers are spelt out.

posted by beachbelle on January 23, 2005 at 11:45 AM | link to this | reply

BB, here are my suggestions.

 

Ten times she had made this journey. Ten times her shoes had clicked across the white tiles along that same corridor. Her complexion looked was sallow under the fluorescent lights, as if she had flown not three hours but 18.  Use numbers or words for hours. You’ve used both.  But this time was different. She was not a tourist, not that the immigration people would be told, but a woman with a job to do perform.  I assume that there is some significance to why immigration should know she was not a tourist. I guess you’ll tie it in later in your story.

 

Going through a second time, I am thinking that the wording would be stronger if that sentence “Her complexion….” was moved from its current position and placed after the last sentence.  You could perhaps add something to it, to the effect that the journey had taken it’s toll on her looks.

Normally, at this point after touchdown she was desperate for the relaxation to begin and her real life to melt away into the background as heat and hedonism took over. She felt like she couldn’t quite relax and yet was not stressed.

 

“How hard can it be? I know where I am going and what I am doing.”

She had her cash ready and handed it to the immigration official. He asked no questions. Probably best she thought, now she wouldn’t need to pretend.

After retrieving her luggage she wheeled the trolley out of the air-conditioned ing  -customs hall - perhaps? into a sheet of warm, tropical  air. She had told her friends not to come to the airport – even though they were always making pick-ups and deliveries at the airport. Now she regretted her choice. It would have been nice to be met.

But she spotted a man holding a board with the name, " Miss Sylvia Gem".

"Hello, I’m Sylvia Gem." she said to the driver.  

“Hello, follow me please.” He took over the trolley and wheeled it down the ramp to his cab.

He drove at speed  speedily through the airport town, and they spoke as much as the overlap of their respective languages allowed. Sylvia was willing It was Sylvia’s willingness to engage with anyone that had landed her the job.

 

I assume that the cabbie helped in some way to get her this job.

Thirty minutes later they drew in to into the village (what kind? Is a resort village?) and Sylvia felt immediately at home until she saw something that she was not prepared for and unwilling to engage with. You’ve used “engage with” twice.  See blue font above.  Perhaps you could use ‘deal with’, but I’d stay away from using with at the end of the sentence.

She saw him from behind. It had to be him. She would recognize that walk and the curl and color of that hair anywhere. And yet it couldn't be. How could it be him?

It was her husband walking down the road, Give me more. Was it down the main avenue, etc.  and he was not alone. His arm was wrapped around the back of a woman a woman’s shoulders, no one Sylvia had ever seen before, and he was looking down, directly into her face. As Sylvia tried to swing her neck to an impossible position to get a better look, they stepped down a side alley.

“What is he doing here?”
“Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

Joe had abandoned Sylvia to “discover himself”. Or so Sylvia thought. They were not even divorced.

Before she had time to take in assimilate - Though you can’t tell by how I wirte,   I prefer to use one word instead of two, so I’d use assimilate what she had seen, the taxi was pulling up at the villas.

Sylvia wanted needed implies a bit of urgency if this is what you’re after a moment to compose herself, to comprehend what she had seen and to be ready to step into her new role. You’ve used the phrase in blue twice.
She was not allowed that luxury.

Outside one of  the villas, people were milled about something, shaking their heads and pointing. milling about, shaking their heads and pointing at something she could not see/identify. Before she had even stepped over the threshold, her job as manager had begun.

Her thoughts about Joe would have to wait.......

_______________________________________________________________

BB,

 

It’s not an exciting start, but who says it has to be?  But, one major plus is that it is intriguing and I like that.  I was halfway ro thinking that she was sneaking in to kill someone when I realized that she will be managing the property.  Correct me if I’m wrong.

 

It left me wondering what happened between her husband and herself and I also want to know what the excitement was all about at the end.

 

You said that the story takes place in a warm climate. The only sense I get of that is warm air and the use of the word villa. I assume you’ll develop on this theme.

 

Keep us posted on your progress with this. It’s a good start for someone who is much more into fact than fiction.

 

 

 

 

posted by word.smith on January 23, 2005 at 8:44 AM | link to this | reply

Beachbelle, my effort

I second what Johnmcnab said.;) My changes are in quotation marks and blue. Reasons given in parentheses.

Ten times she had made this journey. Ten times her shoes had clicked across the white tiles along that corridor. Her complexion looked sallow under the fluorescent lights, as if she had flown not three hours but 18.
But this time was different. She was not a tourist, not that the immigration people would be told, but a woman with a job to do.
Normally at this point after touchdown she was desperate for the relaxation to begin and her real life to melt away into the background as heat and hedonism took over. "She felt like she couldn’t quite relax and yet was not stressed."  She felt she couldn't relax although no obvious anxiety pulled at her. (Offers a hint of unknown conflict ahead.)

 “How hard can it be? I know where I am going and what I am doing.”
She had her cash ready and handed it to the immigration official. He asked no questions. Probably best she thought, now she wouldn’t need to pretend.

After retrieving her luggage she wheeled the trolley out of the air-conditioning into a sheet of warm air. She had told her friends not to come to the airport - they were always making pick-ups and deliveries at the airport. Now she regretted her choice. It would have been nice to be met.

But she spotted a man holding a board with the name, " Miss Sylvia Gem".

"Hello" she said to the driver.
“Hello follow me please.” He took over the trolley and wheeled it down the ramp to his cab.
He drove at high (describing) speeds through the airport town, and they spoke as much as the overlap of their respective languages allowed. "It was Sylvia’s willingness to engage with anyone that had landed her the job." (This doesn't seem to fit without further explanation.) 
Thirty minutes later they drew in to the village and Sylvia felt immediately at home until "she saw something that she was not prepared for and unwilling to engage with." a sight she was unprepared to deal with came into view. (More dramatic)
She saw him from behind. It had to be him. She would recognize that walk and the curl and color of that hair anywhere. And yet it couldn't be. How could it be him?
It was her husband walking down the road, and he was not alone. His arm was wrapped around the back of a woman, no one Sylvia had ever seen before, and he was looking down directly into her face. As Sylvia tried to swing her neck to an impossible position to get a better look, they stepped down a side alley.

“What is he doing here?”
“Why didn’t anyone tell me?”  "Who is that woman??" Thoughts crashed through Sylvia's mind as waves wildly tossed ashore by unseen forces. (Drama again)

Joe had abandoned Sylvia to discover himself. Or so Sylvia thought. They were not even divorced.

Her emotions rose and flooded out rational considerations. A mix of raging sorrow filled her eyes and blurred her vision. Sylvia fought to compose herself. (Describing her reaction in fuller detail.)

"Before she had time to take in what she had seen the taxi was pulling up at the villas." The taxi had arrived at the villas. She needed a moment or more to calm her confusion before stepping into her new role. 
"Sylvia wanted a moment to compose herself, to comprehend what she had seen and to be ready to step into her new role." (Flowing into above.)
She was not allowed that.

Outside the villla people were milled about something, shaking their heads and pointing. Before she had even stepped over the threshold her job as manager had begun.
"Her thoughts about Joe would have to wait......." (Being so emotionally unsettled would render this impossible.)

This is a very intriguing start Beachbelle. My reading appetite is awakened by the mystery and an interest in Sylvia's situation.  I look forward to reading more. I hope this helped in some way.

 

posted by PoetRaye on January 22, 2005 at 11:12 AM | link to this | reply

JohnMcNab

Thank you my friend. You make many great points. I will revise and rewrite in due course

posted by beachbelle on January 19, 2005 at 4:37 PM | link to this | reply

beachbelle

Here is my attempt at a critique, beachbelle. As normal, the words I would delete are in red, and the ones I would insert are in blue. As I’ve said before; the good thing about critiques is – you can ignore them.

The information available in the 509 words of this intro, promises an interesting and exciting novel, but I think the information is too much and too soon. In less than the first 2 pages of the novel we are fed too many facts and not enough description or background. I found this confusing, but then this could have something to do with my age.

I would have preferred to learn more about Sylvia’s past and her thoughts at the beginning so that I could make up my mind if she was the type of heroine I would root for. I look forward to the re-write with interest.

This post is for the Blogit Review.

Ten times she had made this journey. Ten times her shoes had clicked across the white tiles along that this corridor. Her complexion looked sallow under the fluorescent lights, as if she had flown not three hours but 18.

But this time was different. She was not a tourist, not that the immigration people would be told, but a woman with a job to do. (1)

Normally at this point after touchdown she was desperate for the relaxation to begin and her real life to melt away into the background as heat and hedonism took over. She felt like she couldn’t quite relax and yet was not stressed. "How hard can it be? I know where I am going and what I am doing."

She had her cash ready and handed it to the immigration official. He asked no questions. Probably best she thought, now she wouldn’t need to pretend. (2)

After retrieving her luggage she wheeled the trolley out of the air-conditioning into a sheet of warm air. She had told her friends not to come to the airport - they were always making pick-ups and deliveries at the airport. Now she regretted her choice. It would have been nice to be met. (3)

But she spotted a man holding a board with the name, " Miss Sylvia Gem".

"Hello" she said to the driver.

"Hello follow me please." He took over the trolley and wheeled it down the ramp to his cab. (4)

He drove at speed through the airport town, and they spoke as much as the overlap of their respective languages allowed. It was Sylvia’s willingness to engage with anyone that had landed her the job.

Thirty minutes later they drew in to the village and Sylvia felt immediately at home until she saw him. something that she was not prepared for and unwilling to engage with.

She saw him from behind. It had to be him. She would recognize that walk and the curl and color of that hair anywhere. And yet it couldn't be. How could it be him?

It was her husband walking down the road, and he was not alone. His arm was wrapped around the back of a woman, no one Sylvia had ever seen before, He had his arm around the waist of a woman Sylvia had never seen before, and he was looking down directly into her face. As Sylvia tried to swing her neck to an impossible position to get a better look, they stepped down a side alley.

"What is he doing here?"

"Why didn’t anyone tell me?"

Joe had abandoned Sylvia to discover himself. Or so Sylvia thought. They were not even divorced. (5)

Before she had time to take in what she had seen the taxi was pulling up at the villas.

Sylvia wanted a moment to compose herself, to comprehend what she had seen and to be ready to step into her new role.

She was not allowed that.

Outside the villla villa people were milled milling about something, shaking their heads and pointing. Before she had even stepped over the threshold her job as manager had begun.

Her thoughts about Joe would have to wait.......

(1) The first two sentences sound slightly contrived and don’t convey anything except she has walked along that corridor ten times, and not flown into the airport ten times. How does she know her complexion is sallow? The last sentence is slightly disjointed.

(2) From ‘She had her cash ready’ onward, needs some explaining. Is the cash a bribe or is it a normal transaction?

(3) Who were the friends and why were they always making pick-ups and deliveries?

(4) Would she not have to prove identity? The driver didn’t know her which is why he had the sign.

(5) There is a lot of history in these three sentences which needs to be explained.

 

 

posted by johnmacnab on January 19, 2005 at 3:31 PM | link to this | reply

ThomasFranklin

Thank you. You have been very helpful. If you don't mind, I will let you know when I have had another go at it

posted by beachbelle on January 19, 2005 at 1:52 PM | link to this | reply

I'm gonna tell you what I like- I like to know whats happening. In the beginning of the story, I have bunch of questions-mainly, whats going on? But, maybe thats what you want?Your Main character also has many questions concerning her husband. But, if I started reading-I'm not gripped by it. I feel that in the first paragraph- you gotta grab the reader or they disappear. Many questions which at the beginning might make the reader think that its to hard to follow.

posted by ThomasFranklin on January 19, 2005 at 1:21 PM | link to this | reply

What a treat Zachary. Thank you

Let me have it

posted by beachbelle on January 18, 2005 at 10:11 PM | link to this | reply

Got it.

One last review for you will do. See you soon . . .

posted by Zachary.N.Miles on January 18, 2005 at 9:22 PM | link to this | reply

littlemspickles

I am appreciative of your honest comments particularly at such a time.

I think that it is very difficult for someone who was written as a journalist for so long to get deeply into description. It is the first thing to get the chop normally.

I do appreciate your frankness too in telling me that it did not grip you.

Now this may sound like I am doing myself down or being disingenuous but in my view looking back at it - it is crappy.
This is not an excuse but it is hard for me to do fiction. I am used to writing genres where I am strong and I feel all at sea to do something like this. It is strange and foreign and feels like I am back at square one. It would be easier of course to stick with what I know and never try. I also need to find out if this is something to pursue or whether I should sit back and enjoy where I am with my other writing.

Again thank you.

posted by beachbelle on January 18, 2005 at 3:00 PM | link to this | reply

beachbelle

I have read through this post a few times now, thinking of how I would review it. As you know, at the moment I have a few other things on my mind so am not able to give as much attention as is needed to give some relevant suggestions. This will be very brief - but I will endeavour to add more later.

The story in itself captured my attention, but there were heaps of questions - the passages was not full of detail, did not paint a picture - however as an introduction or as a summary piece for the full work of a novel, it is fine. Word counts do affect the amount you can fit into the story.

As much as I felt interested by the character and her story, it didn't pull me in dying for me, instead, I am intrigued and would be interested in finding out more - the difference I guess in picking up a book and reading it from cover to cover or flipping through to the end.

Both Talion and Benzhina have offered some great suggestions for you.

Sorry I can;t add more at the moment.

Thanks for giving us at blogit a sense of your fiction!

posted by littlemspickles on January 18, 2005 at 1:41 PM | link to this | reply

Beachebelle

Well, you held my attention, curiosity , interest and raised my emotions to violent anger  on behalf of the lady. 

That would tell me (if someone wrote that comment about a start to a novel of mine) that I'd damn well better get the rest of it written forthwith.

posted by WileyJohn on January 18, 2005 at 1:24 PM | link to this | reply

Talion

I realize how trite this sounds but you have given me much to think about.
Thank you so much for taking the time to do this. I can now see that it takes a little time to chew things over when we receive these reviews. I will appraise the appraisals and make adjustments in due course

posted by beachbelle on January 18, 2005 at 12:01 PM | link to this | reply

Great Start

First of  all, I like how you take  us there with the white tiles clicking on the floor, and airport town tells us it's a tourist destination. However you left it at that -  is it warm or chilly? Is she seeing a ton of trees as they speed along or ocean? Also if the cab driver helped her get the job wouldn't they be more familir with each others languages?Overall very intriguing beginning.

posted by tigerprincess on January 18, 2005 at 10:25 AM | link to this | reply

beach

An intriguing start to the novel, beach.  I'll try and get to the crit later on today or tomorrow.

posted by johnmacnab on January 18, 2005 at 9:03 AM | link to this | reply

beachbelle

I didn’t read any of the previous comments, so forgive any redundancy. Here goes.

 

Ten times her shoes had clicked across the white tiles along that corridor. This implies a total of ten steps, not previous trips. Try something like, For the tenth time she walked along that corridor, her high heels click-clacking across its white tiles.

 

But this time was different. She was not a tourist, not that the immigration people would be told, but a woman with a job to do. Invert these ideas. Tell us something about the previous trips (she was a tourist), then tell us this one is different.

 

She had her cash ready and handed it to the immigration official. He asked no questions. Probably best she thought, now she wouldn’t need to pretend. Is this a bribe? If so, wouldn’t she be more discrete? “Handing” cash is open and obvious, like an above-board business transaction. Even if the corruption is that prevalent, there would be safety concerns for a woman traveling alone with wads of cash.

 

Joe had abandoned Sylvia to discover himself. Or so Sylvia thought. They were not even divorced. Change the word “abandoned.” There’s a finality of the term that dilutes the fact they’re still legally married. She doesn’t know why Joe left her?

 

     There were a couple other minor errors that you’ll fix in subsequent rewrites, so I didn’t mention them. It’s okay to use contractions. A less formal structure puts the reader at ease with the character.

     It’s a great start, but at this point, it lacks an emotional punch. I don’t know if I should love her, hate her, cheer or boo. The only thing I know for certain is her husband is cheating on her, and that immediately casts her as another movie-of-the-week victim. There’s more to her than this, but it’s still in your head and not on the page. The emotional issues can be addressed by covering these points:

1. Give me a little more information about her. Is she American? How old is she? How does she look?
2. Why has she taken this job? Is she running from something or after something else? What is she leaving behind? Not everyone has the guts or a valid reason to pull up stakes and move to a foreign country. What’s hers?
3. Did she buy the villa, was it left to her in a will, or is she simply on the payroll? Who offered her the job? Will money be an issue, and if not, why?
4. Knowing the exact location isn’t vital, but we need to know why it’s special to her and her husband. Provide some indication why it’s more than a contrived plot device that her husband would end up there too.
5. Tell me she’s married and about the relationship before the revelation about the affair. She should react in a way that confirms this.   

 

       Though word limitations are a factor to consider, a couple good paragraphs could give just enough to cover these points and whet our appetites for more.  

     Two major events are described, her arrival at the villa and her chance discovery of her husband’s affair. You describe her new job with a sense of drama and suspense. With bribes and never mentioning until the end what the job is I thought she was a spy or a mule for a cocaine cartel, or something equally dangerous/secretive. Managing a tourist villa is great, but it doesn’t live up to the hype. On the other hand, you don’t tell me she’s married until you reveal her husband’s having an affair. It seems the villa is the most important element of the story and the affair is secondary. It’s great if this is what you want to convey, a shift of emphasis is needed if it’s not.  

     Reading/critiquing such a small portion of what will become a much larger work is difficult. Much of what seems to be lacking could simply be planned for later, but a little foreshadowing makes it easier. I think you’re onto something and this is definitely worth pursuing.      

posted by Talion on January 18, 2005 at 8:07 AM | link to this | reply

Have to agree with Katry and Benz....

...I wondered first, if you were still married, then you clarified that, and then wondered why you weren't more emotional about seeing him..I figured that would come in the next chapter though!

posted by ginnieb on January 18, 2005 at 7:30 AM | link to this | reply

:)

yea Beach! This may be the first time I won't have to reformat to send my crit. :)

I will get on it as soon as I figure out my basement flooding problem, and get back to you soon.

posted by MerryAnne on January 18, 2005 at 5:57 AM | link to this | reply

Katray

Thank you. Indeed there is love between them so I must reveal that

posted by beachbelle on January 17, 2005 at 9:37 PM | link to this | reply

Benzinha

Omigosh, the story I had mapped sounds positively dull. Yes, yes, it is the inner life I was thinking of and so obviously I need to follow your suggestion and reveal how it felt like she was punched in the stomach when she saw him.
Thank you my friend. I am going to include some of your ideas and then when it is published I will send you a copy so that you can search them out.

posted by beachbelle on January 17, 2005 at 9:35 PM | link to this | reply

Benz. offered something I felt too - that if it were myself seeing my hubby with another woman like that, I'd be devastated and unable to think clearly. I didn't include it because I considered perhaps there is a reason for the mild reaction - maybe no real love exists between them. Just another thought.

posted by PoetRaye on January 17, 2005 at 9:28 PM | link to this | reply

bb, yes, and I have even more details for you from real life.....

about managing in exchange for a home to be built free and clear in the residential area of the resort. Personal money to be invested into the hotel  in exchange, also. Sold native home, sold everything for cash, for the move into this management position. Married into the resort owning family without knowing any of them, without ever visiting there, etc.....

Drug traffickers work the city and port and may even own the hotel; it takes over a year for the house construction  to be started and they ask for more money to continue it. Their son is your husband and it's why you sold your house and moved Everything to their small island.

You end up returning to your native land, sans hubbie and sans money and sans anything but memories of your time managing and all those adventures among the rich and famous and those 'trafficking in everything people' in the resort. The foreign actress whose young son dies on a motorcycle while racing along next to her car. The famous rap artist in America, a visiting native of the island, who rolls over the car that she's driving her friends around in and kills herself and a few friends, some surviving, those nerds wearing seatbelts, like no islander would. 

Just thought that I'd pass some real life happenings on to you for inclusion, if they add anything. Absolutely free of charge. The stories I could tell and never will, sigh......you tell them.

I wanted her to have more of an emotional Jolt when she spotted Romeo.  That blood leaving your head feeling or white noise forming inside your brain. More confusion upon exiting the vehicle at her destination, a long foggy tunnel of sorts........unable to concentrate anymore.

All my silly suggestions aside, this will be an inner life, heart story, no?

posted by benzinha on January 17, 2005 at 9:23 PM | link to this | reply

It is just a group off bloggers who critique each other

posted by beachbelle on January 17, 2005 at 9:07 PM | link to this | reply

Ginnieb

If you are interested in the review check out word.smith's blog about it

posted by beachbelle on January 17, 2005 at 9:06 PM | link to this | reply

I wasn't sure how the blogit review works...

...thought it was just for some people to review?

posted by ginnieb on January 17, 2005 at 8:12 PM | link to this | reply

Thank you Ginnieb

But please tell me if you can see I can improve it

posted by beachbelle on January 17, 2005 at 7:37 PM | link to this | reply

Wow..great beginning!!!!

I'm totally intrigued!!!! You've introduced a lot..but not too much. Fabulous!! :)

posted by ginnieb on January 17, 2005 at 6:52 PM | link to this | reply

Yep, wordy I hope it will interest

posted by beachbelle on January 17, 2005 at 6:35 PM | link to this | reply

Thanks Katray. I have added a note about the location. I would prefer not

to mention it now but in reality it could be in many places - it is a third world place. I have another version which identifies that very clearly but in some ways I am debating the wishdom of going emphatically to one location as it can put people off who are not interested in that place. I look forward to your critique

posted by beachbelle on January 17, 2005 at 6:34 PM | link to this | reply

What a way to land....

To find a MIA hubby otherwise engaged.

posted by word.smith on January 17, 2005 at 6:27 PM | link to this | reply

Hi Beach. Just read this and was very engaged and intriguied. One question nagging: Is there a reason why no location is mentioned? I wondered about the customs scene in relation to this; why is she giving money to the officials? Is it a dangerous country? Perhaps this is a build-up and not giving such details now makes it more interesting or understandable later. Also, I can't remember where exactly now, but there was a "c" missing in "can", maybe first paragraph. An enjoyable read, I will do my critique in a couple of days.

posted by PoetRaye on January 17, 2005 at 6:20 PM | link to this | reply