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Angelz-mind I struggle with this same issue. I don't admit defeat. I no longer spend any time fretting about what he could be, because there is little we can do to change someone who we have little contact with. He has made a choice to make a new life of working-drinking- hiding money- young girlfriends- sex when he likes or pays, So be it. Do not point out the negatives to your children - they know. I tell my kids when they go see the x to call the grandparents and aunt and neighbors and plan some things to do, bring reading, bring the basketball... etc The children have to make something out of him- they have some, if only a little, control of making him be a MAN. My oldest calls him the Loser behind his back which I stopped her from saying, I have taught them to be respectful. My inlaws have been a good source of coddling as I could best put it, his own Dad did the same cycle of not raising his own children and can see the results. The grandparents try and have the kids go out to dinner and participate when the kids are there. Don't know if yours has extended family, an I kinda doubt the neighbors with living on a boat, but there might be some ways you can direct the kids to not see the time with Dad as time in jail- but time for a different life than with Mom. At least he sees them, I know a number of dead beats who never see the kids.
And as to the money, get the District Attorney Child Support Division in you county to take on all the collection worries. They will make him appear and do an assessment of what a person actually makes working full time and that will be the number opon which he has to pay, no matter if he takes off two months. Also if he lives with girlfriend her income as a nail person plus tips will be estimated, no matter what he files on taxes.
posted by
the-loanlady
on
November 11, 2004
at
9:29 AM
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AnnaMJ~~~
Once again, I thank you .. the advice you give is good. I am trying very hard to let it go .. it may time some time... :) Thank you.. for listening.
posted by
ANGELZ_MIND
on
November 9, 2004
at
8:01 PM
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I understand completely what you're going through.
Let it go. That's right. You're just driving yourself crazy wondering when he'll change and the fact is that you have no control over that. You can only change you. So let him be an idiot. You're worrying, and complaining isn't going to make him different it will only make you sick and bitter.
In the end he will be the big loser anyway. Your kids will be fine.
Make sure your boys have other men in their life. Good men. Men they can look up to and emulate. And if you take care of yourself you'll be a better mother to your children.
Kids remember their moms. How do you want your kids to remember you? Stressed out and crazy, or calm and together with a great sense of humor.
So let him go.
posted by
AnnaMJ
on
November 9, 2004
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4:08 PM
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DaisyFace~~~
DaisyFace I too feel that they're better off , yet , I know he could be sending more money .. to help.. I get only 233 from him for 3 kids. Go Figure!
posted by
ANGELZ_MIND
on
November 5, 2004
at
3:49 AM
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yeah.. men can be clueless.. take for instance my son Drew, he just turned 17 in July. I had him not long after I turned 16. The "sperm donor" as we refer to him, was not actively around his whole life. My son is close with the family there though. Over the past 4 years, the Al ( the sperm donor) became a union iron worker. making just less than 100k a year. Our child support order is for 81 dollars a month. Of which I usally get about 500 dollars from his tax refund that the DA has intercepted. Not once in 17 years has he ever bought my son a birthday present or christmas present. He takes lavish vacations, spends all his money on strippers and sushi, which he brags to my son about. The only time he calls my son, is when he's stuck on some video game and needs help to move to the next level... i think my son has been better off without him.
posted by
daisysface
on
November 4, 2004
at
4:07 PM
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poetkitty~~~
Thanks for telling me , but I have yet to see it around here at all.. I need to search harder!!!Thankssss!!!
posted by
ANGELZ_MIND
on
November 4, 2004
at
2:00 PM
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Well said . . .
Your expressions are so heartfelt and real . . .I feel you, darlin'.
You asked about Y Tu Mama Tambien . . .
I live in LA, and it's readily available at DVD rental spots and the like - it's a Mexican film from about 3 years ago, and it's really lovely and sexy and amazing. I'm also a Netflix member and they have it as well.
Thanks for stopping by - all the best to you!
posted by
poetkitty
on
November 4, 2004
at
1:50 PM
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Poeticspoken~~~~
Thank you for commenting on my crazy ordeal. YEs.. I was thinkning the same. I wish he would just realise.
posted by
ANGELZ_MIND
on
November 4, 2004
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10:54 AM
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And thankyou for your insight.
posted by
poeticspoken
on
November 4, 2004
at
10:34 AM
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He's selfish.
You and your kids are better off without him. It looks like he'd do more harm than good. People don't change unless they truly want to. It doesn't look like he's going to any time soon. Why get your kids emotionally involved with someone like that and if he's surely like that why would he be a good role model for them?
posted by
poeticspoken
on
November 4, 2004
at
10:32 AM
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To all~~~
I worry .. if by chance .. something .. happens to me ... would he be able to take care of them ...?? I worry alot about this.. for my health has been going down .. hill.. each year that passes by.What kind of father would he be to them then?!
posted by
ANGELZ_MIND
on
November 4, 2004
at
5:16 AM
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Beachbelle~~~
Thank you for your words... dead beat dad .. yea... He is missing some great things .. from them.....
posted by
ANGELZ_MIND
on
November 4, 2004
at
5:13 AM
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Justsouno~~~
Thnaks for your commenting .. I know ... It has been hard for them .. but .. at times .. I think .. it may be better for them .. not sure .. ??
posted by
ANGELZ_MIND
on
November 4, 2004
at
5:12 AM
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Whamm~~~
Thanks for that! Nice to see some are still nice guys.... out there....
posted by
ANGELZ_MIND
on
November 4, 2004
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5:10 AM
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An&BEN~~~
exactly.. that is why I left... along with his ability to beat me when he was drunk
posted by
ANGELZ_MIND
on
November 4, 2004
at
5:09 AM
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Angelz
I am so sorry you are going through this. Many of us know how it is to bring up our children alone. I am always concerned about single mothers or women alone with children. It is so hard. God bless you.
posted by
Justi
on
November 4, 2004
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4:25 AM
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He sounds selfish and foolish because he is missing out on seeing the kids
posted by
beachbelle
on
November 4, 2004
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4:16 AM
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A description of a husband
who is not a husband
at all.
Ann
posted by
A-and-B
on
November 4, 2004
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4:11 AM
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Angelz...there are a lot of deadbeats and deceitful men, but there are
also some pretty wonderful ones out there. I am frequently stating, I work with____, and he is a really great guy! Art and Steve both got full custody of their daughters, and the ex-wives are the POS's. A lot of the guys I work with work multiple part-time jobs, just to give their wives and kids the best that they can have.
posted by
WHAMENATOR
on
November 4, 2004
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3:49 AM
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Scriber~~~
Thank you for reading.. And yes , typical of most males... but I hope not all.
posted by
ANGELZ_MIND
on
November 3, 2004
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8:43 PM
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Angelz--i might say typical male...you nailed the subject for sure....
posted by
scriber
on
November 3, 2004
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3:30 PM
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Welcome to my Venting Blog...
Yall have a good day ....
posted by
ANGELZ_MIND
on
November 3, 2004
at
10:04 AM
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Wham~~~
thank you for comming... and yes .. I agree .. one like that is a friggin pos!!! makes me veryy .. very mad!!
posted by
ANGELZ_MIND
on
November 3, 2004
at
9:28 AM
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Can I be blunt? He sounds like a POS to me---
that is short for Piece of Shit!
I used to be an Idiot Magnet, and it sounds like you were, too. Sorry for your struggles, your frustration and your pain!
posted by
WHAMENATOR
on
November 3, 2004
at
9:25 AM
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make2short~~~
Thanks for comming in and .. helping me .. see the light!! I do need to forget about him ... but it is ver hard to .. since My kids .. always remind me about him .
posted by
ANGELZ_MIND
on
November 3, 2004
at
9:22 AM
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MelodyStar~~~
Thank you for dropping into my life of Hell.... lol I just don't understand why he has to be like that at all... ai hate it!!! Well, thanks for reading and .. commenting!!! very much appreciated... Feel like I have someone to talk to now..:)
posted by
ANGELZ_MIND
on
November 3, 2004
at
9:21 AM
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I agrree, you cant change hime no matter how hard you try. My mother had the same problem with her ex and children, spends his money on other women not his children who were and are in need of money. Big brothers is a good plce to start. I wish you all the best.
posted by
Melodystar
on
November 3, 2004
at
8:08 AM
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You'll drive yourself crazy
if you focus all your hope on your husband. Your children are better off without him. Get your sons a big brother if you can get one. Make friends with other families. Most of all realize that one good parent is better than a parent who doesn't care. You can't do it all, but you can give them a good life.
Remember insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Let your ex go. He's a loser.
posted by
Make2short
on
November 3, 2004
at
7:43 AM
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