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Abuelita, I remind myself how lucky I am after reading that story.
I can give all of my heart, which even if it ends up painful, feels really good. It means I'm open to really experience love....giving and receiving. I think sometimes it's a wonder that is true after the things I've gone through. On days it hurts so much I can't breathe, I curse myself for never learning to surf. That's less and less now. On the other days, I dive to the bottom and look for trinkets. :)
posted by
Temple
on June 25, 2004 at 3:58 AM
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Temple, I have a French girlfriend who only surfs and is the Queen of it.
She is the most miserable human being that I know. She spends only the 'newly found love' period in their company and then leaves, walking towards the next one, quickly found. She is a brilliant engineer and has no ability to stay for the next period. So, she uses their credit cards and travels and shops and has romantic evenings with them and has, tragically, had eight abortions that I know of.
She foolishly married one fellow who adored her and when she became pregnant, she responded in her usual way and it killed his heart forever, he said. The marriage lasted four months. My heart and soul bleed for her, but her childhood was horrendous and she can't seem to escape it. She has hidden from me for over twenty years now, ever since I told her to go get counselling.
posted by
benzinha
on June 23, 2004 at 1:29 AM
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Benzinha, I've never been able to just surf the surface waves.
It's a blessing and a curse. I think that giving myself over completely is good and wonderful. I'm lucky to be able to do this, because I know many who can't. In moments like these, I can't see the lesson to come out of this yet. It's too new, too close. Self-examination is the only way for me to live...right now, it just feels like the cost is so very, very high. This much emotional turmoil doesn't let me see what the best thing is. I only see what I've lost. It makes me want to take up surfing.
posted by
Temple
on June 20, 2004 at 3:48 PM
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Temple, learning and self examination also reach in and turn things up-
side down. I think that any life, lived authentically and profoundly does this and not just the moments of love within that life. We do embrace love more closely than other new ideas, so we're shaken more quickly by that love. But, if we don't give ourselves over completely to love when we believe in it and find it, then we never do find all of the depths awaiting us there. We just surf its surface wave then, as so many friends of mine do. I choose to remain on the shore of that love ocean now and I prefer this peace and stability.
You are young and so I say, dive in and dive deep and look at all the hidden wonders.
posted by
benzinha
on June 19, 2004 at 1:33 PM
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Abuelita, I'm afraid I'm not yet ready to see the humor here.
Time. I think that part of balance in the universe, in nature, is dark and light together. I don't say good and bad because I try to believe it all has it's purpose. Right now, that belief is being challenged...so I try to write my way through it.
Love always has powerful effects on us, I think. Not the same as that day when I was 14, but it reaches in and turns things upside down. That is for sure.
posted by
Temple
on June 19, 2004 at 12:04 PM
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temple, so many stories to share around that fire on the beach someday....
as you describe it, the light cannot exist unless there is darkness to compare it to, to separate and identify each state. May we always remember to reach for the light while wandering alone in that dark moment.
I try to tell my darkest stories as my funniest stories now in my old age.....it helps me to lighten them up a bit. There was this train ride with my mom and we had 'legally' kidnapped my children and escaped Mexico.....frightening, but when we tell it now, we talk about the funny things that happened or that we would imagine then.....and it's all better now.
First boyfriends have incredible powers over young girls' minds and hearts.....I remember.
posted by
benzinha
on June 19, 2004 at 4:29 AM
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I was just thinking that, too, and we are special indeed :)
Stay tuned, I shall (she says in an inadvertantly Yoda-esque kind of way)
xx.
posted by
Moohahaha
on June 17, 2004 at 10:11 PM
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wenchie, I love that I was over reading and commenting on you
while you were over here reading and commenting on me. We're so special, don't you think? Your comments always make me feel so good, thank you for leaving them. I keep thinking, if I write this enough...this hard-won truth...and think it enough, maybe it will become more effortless to avoid that "oh dammit" feeling during such difficult times. Stay tuned. :)
posted by
Temple
on June 17, 2004 at 10:09 PM
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This is very powerful writing filled with brave, powerful, hard-won truth
... you are utterly beautiful inside and out, and you are indeed worthy of love and happiness. May it, and all you dream of, be yours xxxxxxx.
posted by
Moohahaha
on June 17, 2004 at 9:59 PM
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