Monday, August 1, 2005
Breeding Refrigerators
If there is one thing that I have learned since moving to Bumfock, it is that country folk don't throw away their garbage. They simply stow it away in their barns or sheds or smokehouses or greenhouses or huts--in any building on their property that has an extra cubic foot of space in which...
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Friday, July 29, 2005
Silverware Siesta
What escaped from my mouth was something between a loud gasp and a scream. I'm not one who gets startled easily, but when I yanked open the drawer beside my sink and saw a mouse camped out in the middle of my spoons, knives and forks, my body uncontrollably jumped backward and that sound burst from...
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Tuesday, July 26, 2005
The Stove from Hell
"Uncle Joe's house smells like a fart," Timmy told his mother and giggled. My sister and I were standing in my kitchen when her little boy made this comment. Timmy! she exclaimed. " That's not very nice!" She scolded Timmy because that's what parents are obligated to do when their kids say something...
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Saturday, July 23, 2005
Fruit Pies and Goosepoop Kisses
Sierra and Sinatra excitedly greeted Georgia at the base of the waist-high wrought iron fence that encompasses our patio. Both dogs have grown especially fond of the older woman, and they beam at her when she visits. She had brought over a plate of her notorious homemade fried apple pies. I'm not...
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Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Fishing with The Marthas
The Marthas had arrived at the house just a few minutes before we pulled into our gravel driveway. They had leaned their fishing poles against their car as they unloaded portable chairs and coolers. While The Monster was greeting his two lesbian friends, I went to let Sierra and Sinatra out of the...
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Sunday, July 17, 2005
Seven Plagues
Before moving to Bumfock, I can honestly say I hadn't seen a fly (or any other insect) in my home for seven years. I guess flies that hang out in downtown areas are kind of lazy. No matter what kind of tasty snack I left out in the apartment, I never attracted a fly. They probably detected it or...
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Thursday, July 14, 2005
The Way to a Monster's Heart
The way to a to a monster's heart is through his stomach. I can attest to the validity of this classic adage. Every time I prepare a special meal, The Monster gets very..., ummmmm.., respectful. Now, after living with a neanderthal for many years, I don't want him to be..., ummmmm.., respectful...
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Monday, July 11, 2005
The Giant Blueberry
During a fresh Spring Morning about a year ago, I had just taken a shower and was toweling off when, from the corner of my eye, I saw movement. Quickly, I turned my head and gazed out the tall oblong window just across from the bathroom. There was a giant blueberry walking across my property, and it...
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Friday, July 8, 2005
The Great Goosepoop Buffet
There's a special place to dine in the rolling hills of the country that a lot of people don't know about. In fact, I wouldn't have known about it myself had my precious babies, Sinatra and Sierra, not led me to it a few months ago. It's a place right here on my property, on a small gentle slope...
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Tuesday, July 5, 2005
The Door to Nowheresville
I think the monster was on diet pills when he and his brother decided to rip all of the floorboards out of what was supposed to be one of the bedrooms in this house. Evidently, termites had a munchfest on the hardwood, and the floor had become damaged beyond repair. The net result--one of the doors...
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