Pages of The Damned

Friday, August 29, 2003

Martian Sex Fiends Launch Attack Against Earth

The planet Mars is closer than it’s been in 60,000 years, prompting the Imperial Martian Empire to launch a full-scale invasion of Earth. Despite recent self-help “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” books, NASA confirmed the impending attack in a two-hundred page report, Alien Sex Fiends Are... Sign in to see full entry.

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Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Red Planet Closing On Earth, France Surrenders

MARS ADVANCES TO WITHIN 34.6 MILLION MILES, FRANCE SURRENDERS The planet Mars is closer to Earth than it’s been in 60,000 years today, prompting speculation that a Martian invasion is imminent. While the U.S. dismisses the notion, the U.N. is calling for a resolution barring Martian forces from... Sign in to see full entry.

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Tuesday, August 5, 2003

New Rape Law: "No...More..Oh...My...GOD!" - Just Say 'No' During Sex

A new Illinois rape law allows a person to be charged with rape if their partner say’s “No” during sexual intercourse. The state District Attorney’s office was flooded with hundreds of cases within days of the law’s passage, most involving partners with long sexual histories. In one instance, Fred... Sign in to see full entry.

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Tuesday, July 29, 2003

"I Love You, You Love Me, We Just Killed Your Friend Barney"

FBI Nabs ‘Ring Around the Rosie” Crime Ring - Fresh from its victory over Napster in May, the music industry has now set its sights on millions of music-loving adolescents. Late Monday, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) filed suit in US District Court in Manhattan, asserting that... Sign in to see full entry.

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Tuesday, July 8, 2003

Blogger's E-Z Obituary Template for Dead Celebrities

Thinking about a carreer in the exciting field of death journalism? With t he famous and infamous dropping faster than Pee-Wee Herman's zipper at a an all-day peep show, keeping pace with the recently-departed can be a daunting task. And writing an obituary for an already-decomposing celebrity isn't... Sign in to see full entry.

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Friday, June 27, 2003

P-P-P-Pigs Outraged at Senator's Anti-Terror Tactics

SENATOR ANGERS PIGS WITH FLIER ON TERRORISTS - Massachusetts state senator Guy Glodis (D) has angered the pork community nationwide with remarks in a recent flier regarding Muslim terrorists and pigs. The fliers, distributed last week, said terrorist attacks could be deterred if convicted Muslim... Sign in to see full entry.

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Thursday, June 26, 2003

Total Jerk Named Biggest Idiot In Community

Man Named "Neighborhood Moron" Third Consecutive Year - For the third consecutive year, Dennis Heckman of Naples, Florida has been voted “Neighborhood Moron” by the Verde Mar Homeowners Association. Heckman handily defeated several community newcomers whom the association said “were pretty stupid,... Sign in to see full entry.

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Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Gregory Peck: No Blubbering for Whale-Slaying Madman

ACTOR GREGORY PECK DIES, WHALING SUMMIT WINS KEY VICTORY BERLIN, Germany While the death of Oscar-winner Gregory Peck last week has saddened fans and fellow film stars, the International Whaling Commission (IWC) expressed a sigh of relief concerning the future of the whaling industry. Peck, better... Sign in to see full entry.

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Wednesday, June 11, 2003

HILLARY SPILLS TOXINS, GREENPEACE: "ABHORRED"

Greenpeace Attacks 'Living History' as Toxic Spill Spreads - NEW YORK – Greenpeace, the global environmental activist organization, stated today that the release of Sen. Hillary Clinton’s new tell-all memoir, Living History, is “the greatest threat to the world’s environment since nuclear fission.”... Sign in to see full entry.

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Saturday, June 7, 2003

Invading French Troops Sweating Like...er, Frenchmen

FRENCH TROOPS ARRIVE IN CONGO, SURRENDER IMMINENT - BUNIA, Congo Two planeloads of French troops arrived in Congo last week in preparation of a larger EU-led force operation to stabilize the area. The French troops have been ordered to “assess the tactical situation on the ground and the state of... Sign in to see full entry.

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