Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Odditiums and Entities
If you start chewing Nicorette, do you have to start smoking cigarettes to quit chewing gum? Peter Pan, is being re-done for the who-know-how many times. Just the name Peter Pan, there has to be a punch line in there somewhere. If Sam Walton, in an effort to lower construction costs left the vertical support structure of his stores wide open, could they still call it Wal*Mart? My wife asked me to water the cat, but doesn’t she know the sound of the sprinkler scares him do death? I got excited...
Sign in to see full entry.
Monday, December 22, 2003
The way things go these days.
If the Watergate Building were to be broken into for the purpose of political shenanigans this election, would it be called Watergate – gate? This morning I confused my Viagra with my Rogaine. What hair I have left is standing straight up, sort of a Don King do. Michael Jackson’s PR people claim there is no truth to the rumor that he will cover the ‘50s hit “Where the boys are”. I do not have a list blog, but if I did, it would have these unlikely Christmas Albums Butthole Surfurs tribute to...
Sign in to see full entry.
Strange things in the news.
Recently reporters observed a rather peculiar ritual in the Rose Garden at the White House. Before a press conference, members of the administration were given various baseball bats and golf clubs. They then proceeded to dance in a circle around the president, whacking the ground smartly in a syncopated rhythm. The press core suddenly realized that this was rather easy to explain, given the current administrations proclivity to beat around the bush. Don’t tell me you didn’t see that coming!
Sign in to see full entry.
Friday, December 19, 2003
These just barely in!
If your Father’s sister gets a new car, should she make sure she gets Auntie Lock Brakes? Suppose you work for a large padlock company, and your union goes on strike. Do they give you time off the picket line for coffee and donuts? Sort of an “Anti-Lock Break?” My Uncle married a Jewish woman, and the less sensitive in the family refer to her as “Auntie Semetic”. I was amazed to watch an old black and white Gunsmoke. It was the episode where Festus had a new job, or as he explained it, “Gawlee,...
Sign in to see full entry.
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Ahem
This could be the least relevant blog you will read all day! Whats in your CD player? Right now I have on random play: Led Zepplin (first album) Maria Mulaur Meet me where they play the blues Three Doors Down The better life 2nu Ponderous Dave Matthews Band Crash
Sign in to see full entry.
Monday, December 15, 2003
Dateline Iraq
A defiant Sadam Hussein displayed remnants of his inflated ego when he bragged to the ruling council that his hidey-hole was the biggest, best and most luxurious of all the hide-outs used by former Iraqi officials. A former cabinet official speaking on terms of anonymity commented to Crapload News, “Quite frankly, we are getting tired of his holier than thou attitude!” Crapload News, our Mission Statement, All the News that fits, Print it!
Sign in to see full entry.
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Stream of unconsciousness
I am a real chip aficionado, addicted to the crunch as it were. O once bet myself that I couldn’t eat just one. I lost. But I won. After all I did just eat one bag. There Lays the key to my weakness. I took my cat Chet to the vet to have him neutered. The vet had a particular fondness for Rocky Mountain Oysters. How do I know? As I left, I saw him roasting Chet’s nuts over an open fire. The phrase, as it were, peculiar thing to say. How do you conjugate that? Put it in a motel room with some...
Sign in to see full entry.
Saturday, December 13, 2003
Let there be light(s)
Monsters be there. Demons to strike fear into the heart on any stout-hearted man. Of course, I’m too ignorant to be fearful, so I tune the satellite to Sounds of the Season and whistle “Dashing through the snow” all the way to the garage in search of my prized collection of Christmas Lights. Naturally, they are buried at the back of the tallest shelf along with the bug sprayers, weed sprayers and noxious chemicals perched precariously in front to them. Prudence tells me I should remove these...
Sign in to see full entry.
Thursday, December 11, 2003
So, let me get this straight
Santa was born in a manger because it was empty since Rudolph was out back with the gang smoking Chronic and playin’ mumbeldy-peg (which as we all know, is not a Reindeer game). Three Wise-Guys came in to secure zoning clearance for a new Wal-Mart. They were riding Camels because the Surgeon General didn’t know any better in those days. They brought gifts for the city council. Frankenstien, and Murray Gould. Extra muscle in case the local politicians got greedy. After the guests had all left the...
Sign in to see full entry.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Caution, side effects
Those cute drug disclaimers, you know the ones: The use of this product may have side effects that are worse than the condition you are trying to relieve. Purple pills, green inhalers, it’s enough to make you sick. The pitch: Feeling depressed? Try this stuff, damn its good! Yes, new Bluze Bee Gawn will have you feeling yourself in no time. And we’re not just talkin’ dangling modifiers here. Oh, by the way side effects may be, but are not limited to Diahrrea Constipation Vomiting Puking Dry...
Sign in to see full entry.
