Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Sleep deprivation theater.
Someone has to know!? If you catch a salmon and upon preparing it for a meal you find a name tag that certifies that this salmon was named Ella, is it safe to eat? If two wrongs don’t make right, what does it take to not make a left? If you are making money hand over fist but still up to your eyeballs in debt, try raising your arms. Why did the chicken cross the road? (Ok I pre-apologize, it’s late and this is bad but I’m lovin’ it) Because the road really pissed the chicken off. Why did the...
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Monday, April 19, 2004
Inane? Insane? In Pain?
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Sunday, April 18, 2004
Baby Boomer Investments.
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Saturday, April 17, 2004
A re-post for all you car fans especially littlemspickles.
Has this ever happened to you? You are in your car, and suddenly it takes over! Last night I got a call from a local gas station. The lady on the phone said my wife was in her car, it wouldn’t shut off, she couldn’t get it in park or neutral, the steering wheel was locked and the doors were locked. Needless to say, this sounded a tad strange. I had been frying some chicken since I get home before she does, so I had to set that aside, grab some tools and head into town in my trusty ’76 GMC. Sure...
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Friday, April 16, 2004
Crapload TV presents…
A new reality show based on the life of a beer swilling middle aged man. His favorite sport is watching sports on TV surrounded by mounds of chips, tubs of dip and coolers full of beer. He is on welfare and claiming disability. The arthritis in his beer opening finger forces him to use a table knife to pop up the little tab. His lawn is dirt and the house is a maze of trails through empties, bags and clothes both clean and dirty. This riveting video fare is sure to draw from the same demographic...
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Thursday, April 15, 2004
Holy sod!
In the quest for a lawn that will make the neighbors green with envy, I sought professional help. But my shrink doesn’t seem to know much about lawn care, so I consulted the crew down at the Rentzitall store. After careful assessment of my efforts so far, it was determined that I needed to aerate my lawn. Why? At first I suspected it was because that was the only power lawn tool they had that I hadn't rented so far, but I was (I think) wrong. Well apparently a lawn can get sod bound which is not...
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Tuesday, April 13, 2004
This sucks.
I’d no sooner returned from returning the power rake to be confronted with a lawn full of dead fluffy grass. Ten minutes of hand raking in the relentless morning sun convinced me that there must be a better way to get this stubborn grass into the back of my pickup. Grumbling as I went inside for a drink of water I failed to notice the Kirby sprawled in the living room where I had been cleaning the grass I had tracked in on the carpet. As I picked myself up off the floor and untangled the hose...
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Sunday, April 11, 2004
Spring, evil spring.
I stand on the front porch eyeing my lawn waking up from its winter nap. What this lawn needs is a good raking. No, not with the hand operated rake, numbskull, this lawn needs to be power raked! Nothing brings excellence to lawn work like the roar of a Briggs and Stratton at full song. At the power tool rental center, the boys all greet me by name. Their smiles seem genuine when I tell them that I need to rent a power rake. One of them, my neighbor’s son stifles a snicker, he must have heard a...
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Friday, April 9, 2004
Mother Goosed.
If Peter Piper pickled his Pecker would that make Ms. Piper a Sourpuss? These things are vastly under understood. What about the man going to St. Ives? Cats, sacks, wives, are you sure he wasn’t going to Salt Lake Utah? Jack had to be nimble to keep from burning his dick on the candle stick, never mind what happens when he comes up short, what a way to snuff a candle! Popular in San Francisco but generally shunned in the rest of the world. “Hi Peter!” “Hi F4T, have you met my wife Pumpkin? Why...
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Wednesday, April 7, 2004
Strange thoughts.
Were Herman’s Hermits really Hermits? If not, why were they called hermits and how could that legally be possible to claim hermitage when actually they were rock stars of some note? Did Herman really own his hermits? More legal pondering to set your mind wandering. Do you remember when Rick James and Prince (whatever) were weird and Michael Jackson was normal? The mind gropes to comprehend how things transcend. Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler is 56, that is as old as I am! I would give one of...
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