Sunday, May 9, 2004
Does this happen to you?
You need to post a humor blog but nothing is funny? The globe is warming, humanity is warring and most people have gotten over Janet Jackson’s nipple exposure. AHHH, times like these call for the old concept of turning one’s mind free to see what happens. I wonder how many people “hear” what they write, as if someone inside your head is telling your stories. Ok, don’t confuse that with “hearing voices”, that is usually bad, nine times out of eight it turns out to be the devil masquerading as God...
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Friday, May 7, 2004
The Great Shopping Conspiracy.
Deep in the air circulation system at your favorite (fill in the blank)Mart, Grocery Store, Superstore, Warehouse store or chain store is a secret chamber. It is in this chamber that a substance is released into the air flow. A substance that is specifically designed to affect human beings in very calculated ways. The substance is the mysterious Idiotium a colorless, odorless gas that affects the central nervous system of shoppers. Expose the male of the species to Idiotium and he well become...
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Wednesday, May 5, 2004
Diet Caution!!!!
When dieting, due care and caution is called for. Take me for instance (my wife always says that and people laugh, but I don’t get it) I wanted to take some pound off before a class reunion. The Slim-Fast plan was all the rage then. It had two words that sold me, the first was slim, which of course is how I wanted to be. The second was fast, the reunion was two days away! I was in such a hurry I got confused and went on the Slim Jim diet. Was I ever embarrassed! I was in New York around New...
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Saturday, May 1, 2004
Paper airplanes.
Sometimes I fold my thoughts into paper airplanes and launch them your way. They may look simple, sometimes brightly colored but you have to catch one and open it up to fully appreciate the undertaking. Take my neighbor for example, he is an undertaker. Mortician I suppose would be an official title, I myself would be mortified to have that on my resume unless I was undertaking to land a job in the Dearly Departed Biz. He also raises exotic birds, pygmy cattle, Llamas and a ton of sheep. The...
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Friday, April 30, 2004
Finally Friday.
Friday, end of the week or just two days from Monday? I hate to rain on your parade, but the drums are killing me. Whoo Hoo, Friday, go out and get smashed, wasted, obliterated, stoned, high, low, mellow, wound up until it takes until Monday to feel normal. The weekend is shot to hell with the mother of all hangovers. “Oh, wow, ain’t doing that again until next Friday!” The great American exuberance, “oh what the hell, one won’t hurt me!” The trouble is that one is the one too many. We are out...
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Thursday, April 29, 2004
On being a comedian.
It must be tough to have to be funny. You go on TV and the host promises the audience that you are hilarious. As you wait in the green room your asthma is acting up and you can’t help worry about all the late notices from creditors in your mail box. It is at this point you realize you have on the boxer shorts that creep up and the tag in back makes you itch like crazy. You are taking Erithromyicin for an ear infection and that has your gastric system all out of balance with the side effect of...
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Tuesday, April 27, 2004
The soft rain stopped.
My lawn is suddenly vibrantly green. An even green, no dry corners no missed spots. Just like lawns watered with those underground sprinklers. Maybe that is what I really need after all. As I stand in my living room surveying the greenery, my mind drifts into the possibility of actually installing an underground sprinkler system. First I suppose one would have to calculate the square footage of the lawn to determine how many sprinkler heads to use and the amount of water that needs to be...
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Monday, April 26, 2004
Sitting in my room.
Writing things that make sense only to me? I try not to, but sometimes it happens. The joke seems so obvious to me, but others just give me that blank stare and ask, “now what the hell have you been smoking?” Part of the blame could be placed on my approach to writing these “blogs”. Spell check still doesn’t recognize blogs. You see, I just got sidetracked. Sometimes I use that as a mechanism to just wander around in my mind. Other times it is the by-product of not writing with an outline....
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Friday, April 23, 2004
I think, therefore…
I must be able to think. If I am able to think, then surely I must exist. Today’s philosophy lesson. Philosophy, now there’s a career opportunity that doesn’t knock on just anyone’s door. Go down to your local employment center and tell them you are looking for a career in philosophy. Yeah, what a gig, just sit around thinking about whether we really exit or not. Of course one can’t come to the conclusion we don’t exist because then who would write your paycheck? What more proof of existence...
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April showers.
Spring is in the air, the nip of winter still present in the morning makes me wonder how the lawn could possibly need to be watered already. I glance across the street only to observe my neighbor (the Boy Scout troop master) looking at his lawn, a perfectly manicured carpet of deep velvety green. He is also watering his lawn even though he is standing in his living room looking out his bay window with the flower box in front. Yes, he is one of those despicable people who cares enough about how...
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