Wednesday, May 20, 2009
May 20th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Stop blaming your problems on the people in your life. Blame various government agencies instead. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You've considered becoming many things in your life, but you'll be truly surprised to wind up becoming this season's hot new pie filling. Gemini May 21 - Jun...
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Tuesday, May 19, 2009
May 19th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Your loud public whining about "getting the hell out of this podunk town" will finally drive your fellow Manhattanites over the edge. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Yet another set of those annoying bony growths will fall off your head this week. Consider getting out of the caribou...
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Monday, May 18, 2009
May 18th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Explorers will finally find the long lost city of Atlantis this week. All the evidence will point to you. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Excitement and romance are Taurus' lot this week when, dressed as a high-priced hooker, you infiltrate the Governor’s Ball and get free snacks....
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Sunday, May 17, 2009
May 17th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The stars say you will find happiness beyond your wildest dreams. But after that, their message trails off into drunken streams of profanity. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 This will be a lucky week indeed, since nobody enjoys a good concussion more than you. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21...
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Saturday, May 16, 2009
May 16th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 In a fit of pique, you foolishly ignore the advice of a good friend and find yourself in possession of hundreds of worthless wooden nickels. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Your cosmic life-force is inextricably tied to the current swing craze. At the cost of your life, do not let this...
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Friday, May 8, 2009
May 8th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Congress will approve the creation of a 51st state, Assholia, for the sole purpose of naming you the state bird. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Your total lack of understanding of the principles of advanced fluid dynamics results in your tragic drowning while attempting to use a...
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Friday, May 1, 2009
May 1
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You begin to feel unwelcome by those around you when your State Tourism Board starts telling prospective vacationers that you’re dead. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Taurus’ new ownership has decided that due to falling ratings, you will be replaced by John Leguizamo this fall. Gemini...
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Thursday, April 30, 2009
April 30th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will discover this week that you are 1/64th Chippewa. Honor your ancient ancestors by discovering a use for every single part of the burrito. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You will fail to keep your New Year’s resolution to ignore meaningless holidays and arbitrary personal...
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Wednesday, April 29, 2009
April 29th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will invent a successful line of fuckable baking dough, sell it to a major corporation, and achieve fame and fortune as the Pillsbury Ho-Boy. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You will enjoy success this hunting season, tracking and killing three beautiful deer. Unfortunately, what...
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Thursday, April 23, 2009
April 24th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Your first visit to a cockfight ends in disaster when you find out that the competition is actually between chickens. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You will meet a charming, witty, considerate, handsome man and instantly fall deeply in love with him. Of course, this will destroy your...
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