Tuesday, June 9, 2009
June 9th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Everything you attempt this week will end in failure, which is a considerable improvement over that one week last year when everything ended in multiple births. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You will be unable to have anything more than a simple Platonic relationship, so long as you...
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Saturday, June 6, 2009
June 6th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will soon be surrounded by medical personnel saying things like "Tzaarp!" "Ka-Blishzzht!" and "Flazzort!" in an effort to describe the sound of your body hitting the high-tension lines. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for...
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Tuesday, June 2, 2009
June 2nd
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Certain events of this week will serve to correct your misconception that salt is a good thing to rub in wounds. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Your birthday will make it harder and harder to stop imagining your parents busy conceiving you. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 Having a rusty spigot...
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Friday, May 29, 2009
May 29th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will discover an unfortunate downside to eating too many of those scrumptious, non-fat sleeping pills. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Your attempt to get your own chapter in the history books will provide an interesting case study for the medical books. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21...
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Wednesday, May 27, 2009
May 27th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Stop yourself from gaining weight: Wrap your midriff in aluminum foil to block the CIA’s orbital stomach-control lasers. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Despite your efforts to be a romantic hero, you will gradually evolve into a postmodern plot device. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 You've...
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Tuesday, May 26, 2009
May 25th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The stars were considering warning you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 The world will still turn and the sun will still rise next week, proving that they can do so perfectly well...
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Monday, May 25, 2009
May 25th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 It's not that people won’t care when they see you get hit by a bus. It's just that they know an attention-getting ploy when they see one. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Experts are still unable to adequately explain to you the difference between Ed Begley and Ed Begley Jr. Gemini May...
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Friday, May 22, 2009
May 22nd
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 If the advice of the stars has still somehow failed to bring you happiness, don't worry: There's probably just something terribly wrong with you. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You will bring joy and laughter to an entire nation with what you thought was a tragic life story. Gemini May...
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Thursday, May 21, 2009
May 21st
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 At long last, you finally achieve total domination of the woodwind section of the Berlin Philharmonic. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Don't worry: There's nothing wrong with your outlook, career plans or enormous set of antlers. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 All your deepest hopes and dreams...
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Wednesday, May 20, 2009
May 20th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Stop blaming your problems on the people in your life. Blame various government agencies instead. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You've considered becoming many things in your life, but you'll be truly surprised to wind up becoming this season's hot new pie filling. Gemini May 21 - Jun...
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