Tuesday, July 21, 2009
July 21st
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 There's trouble in your romantic life, but don't worry: If it were as easy as tying them up until they agreed to love you forever, everyone would be doing it. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Okay, okay, you have the blues. But that's no reason to yell and play that damn guitar on the...
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Monday, July 20, 2009
July 20th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You can't figure out why you're always dreaming about having sex with John Madden. After all, you have lots of sex with John Madden while you're awake. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 The nicest word used during your personal beauty consultation will turn out to be "sturdy." Gemini May...
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Tuesday, June 23, 2009
June 23rd
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The stars realize you are a self-made man and no one can tell you what to do, but if you don’t stop drinking bleach, things will take a nasty turn. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Trouble looms in your life when others try to take charge of your situation. If they persist, start...
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Monday, June 22, 2009
June 22nd
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The many and varied experiences of this week will prompt you to drink more and cheaper beer than usual. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 It’s high time you moved past the really tough things in your life. Grit your teeth, buckle down and finish the last level of Ape Escape. Gemini May 21...
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Sunday, June 21, 2009
June 21st
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 For years, you thought your deep, dark secret was known only to you and God, but you're chagrined to hear He’s been going around telling everyone. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Nobody will be able to figure out what to put on your tombstone this week. It's not that you have a...
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Thursday, June 18, 2009
June 18
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Tragedy strikes you yet again this week when you have the nerve to tell him you prefer his brother, Comedy. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 No one will be able to describe your improbable death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his...
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Wednesday, June 17, 2009
June 17th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Your existence will be called into question when "Weird Al" Yankovic uses your life’s work as the basis for a song. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 After answering a personal ad describing the submitter as "all about partying and having fun," you will find yourself dating the film...
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Tuesday, June 16, 2009
June16th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 It's time to come to terms with your less-than-perfect childhood. After all, you did get to meet Robin Ventura during his tour of minimum-security group homes. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 A magical world of sensual enjoyment will come to your door this week, provided your check is...
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Monday, June 15, 2009
June 15th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You need to achieve a sense of balance in life. If not, elemental forces beyond your control will send you constantly crashing to the ground. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Nobody takes what you say seriously. Consider using expressive hand gestures. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 The stars...
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Sunday, June 14, 2009
June 14th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Nothing will be able to stop you from developing an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, especially in the area of the nightly prime-time-television schedule. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You must learn to control your natural urges. What you feel may be hard to hold back, but there...
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