Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Don't be too quick to judge others this week. Except, of course, for figure skaters, with whom you have a long history of leniency. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You will experience a magical adventure in a world of beauty and wonder when your local Fox affiliate proudly presents the...
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Monday, August 3, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided." Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 It's time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old....
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Friday, July 31, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Your "important work for the government" is nothing more than income-tax filing. Please release the "Russian infiltrators" from your closet. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of...
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Thursday, July 30, 2009
July 30th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Though you try to follow the teachings of your odd religion, you have trouble with the parable that instructs you to enjoy being hit twice in the face. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 The stars say your broken heart will heal with time, but they aren't anywhere near as confident about...
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Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will be distressed to find yourself listed under "old oil bottles" in your local sanitation department's "recyclopedia." Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 It's true that your father once said, "When you're 18, you're out of the house," but he meant months, not years. Gemini May 21 -...
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Tuesday, July 28, 2009
July 28th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Though a romantic escape may be in the cards for you, it will more likely be a German expressionist nightmare. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 It's about...
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Monday, July 27, 2009
July 27th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Try to exercise a little diplomacy this week, as you are the U.S. ambassador to Namibia. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You don't understand the saying, "as serious as a heart attack," because all the ones you've seen have been hilarious. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 The stars say this will...
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Friday, July 24, 2009
July 24th
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Though the divine order from the Archangel Michael is clear, you find it impossible to decide if it should be Hall or Oates who pays for our sins. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 The stars say hello from a neat little roadside cafe in Montana this week. They would write more, but there...
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Thursday, July 23, 2009
July 23rd
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The stars see great things in your future, but only if you finally stop teasing them about how they failed to predict that whole Princess Di thing. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 For the last time: You do not have a magical "stigmata" that causes bleeding at special times. It's just...
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Wednesday, July 22, 2009
July 22nd
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Your quest to be the world's greatest lover will fall short, but at least you'll be the world's greatest really close friend. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 There is a vast, gray blankness in your sign this week. Wait for this cloud cover to dissipate before asking your fortune. Gemini...
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