Friday, September 25, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Try to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod. Gemini May 21 -...
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Thursday, September 24, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Stop complaining that no one cares if you live or die. It's only half true. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 The stars would like to...
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Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Haikuscopes
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 the heavenly spheres influence your pale wan soul to eat fatty snacks Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 the cell phone yet rings though an angered motorist jams it in your skull Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 it is not your fault when your tortured broken heart spatters pallbearers Cancer Jun 22...
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Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 In your explanation to the EMTs, you get no further than the part where you were "just trying to get the badger back into the mason jar." Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Mercury ascends briefly in Taurus this week but then suddenly disappears when the sun explodes. Gemini May 21 - Jun...
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Monday, September 21, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You know, the stars are beginning to suspect that it is no longer possible for a competent person to be elected president of this nation. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 An assassin from the future will attempt to prevent the birth of the next Hitler by materializing in your bedroom at...
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Saturday, September 19, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Come on, now: Are you really going to let some silly trio of colored lights tell you how to drive your car? Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Your romantic promise to give your lover the moon goes awry when removing the satellite from orbit results in massive tsunamis, earthquakes, and...
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Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Although your life has been uneventful up until now, there is something special in store for Aries. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Due to an odd arrangement of the constellations, you will be born the oldest son of Thomas Fludd, Treasurer of War to Queen Elizabeth, later this week....
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Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Your purpose in life will be discovered this week when your oddly shaped body slides easily into the circus cannon. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 For the last time: Do not sacrifice goats to Taurus. That's not how it works. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 Though the Doors Of Perception have...
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Friday, September 11, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will suddenly, mercifully pass away during your dinner date's lecture on the spathic qualities of igneous rocks. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 The presence of Mercury in your sign indicates that this will be a good week for you, but the presence of mercury in your tap water says...
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Thursday, September 10, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 All of your hard work and planning will come to nothing if you don't remember to wipe your prints off the tire iron. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 Even the...
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