Thursday, October 15, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will be crushed to learn that the Black Sabbath song is titled "Fairies Wear Boots," not "Aries" as you had long thought. Return all your boots. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 The dog next door will speak to you with the voice of Satan, commanding you to bring it the unclean meat...
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Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Your week will be full of success, tempered by depression over the fact that your future can be boiled down to single sentences. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You're starting to suspect that the makers of heroin are trying to turn it into a whole way of life instead of just a drug....
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Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Be on your guard this Tuesday: It will feel suspiciously like a Thursday. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Your plan to cash in by pretending to be the long-lost offspring of a celebrity fails when a jury notices you look nothing like Bigmouth Billy Bass. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 You find...
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Friday, October 9, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 When all is said and done, and your time on Earth is finished, you will just barely have made it to the end of this sentence. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Everything will go smoothly this week, except for the part with the monkeys and the cream pies. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 Nothing...
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Thursday, October 8, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 As an alternative to cancellation, the stars have decided to cut costs by presenting your future in black-and-white. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You can't shake the feeling that your friends and co-workers discuss your misshapen hump and antlers when you're not around. Gemini May 21...
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Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 No change for Aries this week, except for those who may be affected by bursting Brooklyn gas mains. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You will occupy the national spotlight and win the hearts of Americans for reasons no one will be able to remember in six months. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21...
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Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will find yourself feeling strangely disappointed after a night of fairly amazing sex with the 11th most beautiful woman in the world. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Though it seems to make sense, there's just something you don't trust about this newfangled "eat right and exercise"...
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Friday, October 2, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 When all is said and done, you're going to miss the investigation. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 After nine attempts, nearly a million dollars spent, and the deaths of nine Sherpa guides, you will finally make it to the top of K8492, the world's 8,492nd-highest mountain. Gemini May 21...
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Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 When you get up tomorrow morning, ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself into the engine of a moving 747. The answer may surprise you. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Though you claim to be a sex addict, the term seems to imply some sort of interaction with living human...
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Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The Powers That Be have decided you aren't their type. You have been remanded to the custody of the Powers What Is. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You have the tragic flaw of seeing patterns and cosmic meaning where none exist. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 Because of its dualistic nature,...
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