Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Dec 16th
Aries March 21 - April 19 In memory of your beloved Aunt, open fire on innocent patrons of a fast-food restaurant. Taurus April 20 - May 20 Your triumphant exit from the worst job you've ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol...
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Monday, December 15, 2008
Dec 15th
Aries March 21 - April 19 Confusion is in store for Aries this week when you wake from a deep sleep to find ex-heavyweight champ Mike Tyson tenderly massaging your feet. Taurus April 20 - May 20 An uncontrollable attack of explosive flatulence at a Hollywood party results in your landing on the...
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Friday, December 12, 2008
Dec 12th
Aries March 21 - April 19 The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus April 20 - May 20 Everyone who laughed at your bizarre phobia will feel remorse this week when super midget Billy Barty breaks into your...
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Thursday, December 11, 2008
Dec 11th
Aries March 21 - April 19 Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a "crotch-less" panty. Taurus April 20 - May 20 Your dream of hosting the greatest party of all time is shattered when the hired fire-eaters...
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Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Dec 10th
Aries March 21 - April 19 Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local Ford dealer. Taurus April 20 - May 20 Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your...
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Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Dec 9th
Aries March 21 - April 19 Your encyclopedic knowledge of all the latest Kevorkian jokes inexplicably fails to bring you love this week. Taurus April 20 - May 20 A sudden sneeze while holding the forceps during your girlfriend's nipple-piercing will do wonders for her archery career. Gemini May 21 -...
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Monday, December 8, 2008
Dec 8th
Aries March 21 - April 19 You will never achieve your full potential as a person unless you can win your life’s most personal battles. Declare war on polyester/cotton blends. Taurus April 20 - May 20 A period of ill health looms before you when the other members of your heavy metal band strap you to...
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Friday, December 5, 2008
Dec 5th
Aries March 21 - April 19 I gotta tell you, if that damn mutt takes another leak on the couch, I'm gonna kill the thing with my bare hands! Taurus April 20 - May 20 That dog is so stupid, I swear it's gotta be the stupidest animal I've ever known. Gemini May 21 - June 21 Will you please shut that...
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Thursday, December 4, 2008
Dec 4th
Aries March 21 - April 19 Aries: On first dates, remember that just derailing the Amtrak isn't enough. It's how you derail the train that counts. Taurus April 20 - May 20 Trouble looms on the romantic front when your girlfriend returns from a hard day of doughnut baking to discover you getting to...
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Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Dec 3rd
Aries March 21 - April 19 Mercury descendant in the Ram this week means Aries will soon get the blues. Be sure to get them from your head to the bottoms of your travelling shoes. Taurus April 20 - May 20 A fifth of Scotch will not prove to be an acceptable solution to your problems. Try another...
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