Friday, November 20, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You won't be aware that there's a Citizens' Coalition To Stop The Igniting Of Cats until they knock on your door next Wednesday. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You have no grounds for a lawsuit: The label on the vegetarian buffalo wings said "meatless," not "contains no chicken parts."...
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Thursday, November 19, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Sun Tzu said that victory without conflict is the ultimate success for any general. That said, be prepared to lose a bloody battle with...
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Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will learn that you are 1/64th Chippewa. Honor your heritage by finding a use for every part of the burrito. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 A vision of...
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Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The stars indicate that you will meet an attractive Aries the next time you look in the mirror. Sometimes, those stars are just a little too precious. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will...
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Monday, November 16, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 When you said no one could tell you how to live your life, you forgot about the warden and all those guards. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You will receive an urgent transmission from the Martian government informing you that Mars does not, in fact, need women, so please stop sending...
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Thursday, November 12, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Stop worrying so much about what your friends think. You should only care about the opinions of decent people. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You pride yourself on learning something new every day, but next Wednesday will provide you with a greater education in primate anatomy and...
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Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will find yourself torn between two lovers, one who is giving and kind and refuses to let you go, and another who chains you to the bumper of his truck. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 While it's true that deciding to begin is half the battle, the rest turns out to be a bloody...
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Monday, November 9, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 There's a lot to be said for self-improvement, but making yourself more aerodynamic is probably a waste of time. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Your generosity with others pays off this week when the terrorists spare most of the hostages in exchange for a helicopter and one million...
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Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The stars would have been amazed by your survival on that life raft for three weeks even if it weren't filled with hungry Alaskan brown bears. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Though you've long known where babies come from, you're shocked to discover exactly how they got there. Gemini...
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Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 There comes a moment in every person's life when one must honestly evaluate one's worth as a human being. You should put this moment off indefinitely. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Your replacement by more than 10,000 miles of super-efficient fiber-optic cable is scheduled to begin...
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