Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The stars would have been amazed by your survival on that life raft for three weeks even if it weren't filled with hungry Alaskan brown bears. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Though you've long known where babies come from, you're shocked to discover exactly how they got there. Gemini...
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Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 There comes a moment in every person's life when one must honestly evaluate one's worth as a human being. You should put this moment off indefinitely. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Your replacement by more than 10,000 miles of super-efficient fiber-optic cable is scheduled to begin...
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Monday, November 2, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will be surprised to learn that even refrigerators can burn if they manage to get hot enough. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You've always thought the difference between you and other people was your uncommon empathy, but it turns out it's the tentacles. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 Your...
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Thursday, October 29, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Your conviction that there is meaning and purpose to life is shattered when you are reminded of the existence of Phyllis Diller. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Though you know the difference between a pseudopod and a blastula, you can't figure out why you would suddenly sprout so many...
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Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You will be pursued by millions of hungry, nutrition-conscious Americans when it is revealed that you are part of a...
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Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Though you'd like to think of it as a triumph of the human spirit, it's really just the opening of a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop three blocks from your office. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Soon your 15 minutes of fame will be up, and people will only know you as "that freaky-looking...
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Monday, October 26, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Though you have always considered the difference psychological, you will be horrified to learn that men and women also have substantial physical distinctions. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 The only thing you'll be able to think during the entire 90-second multi-vehicle crash is how...
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Thursday, October 22, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Though you've always believed that "everybody loves a good Polack joke," you will discover an entire nation of people who do not. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You will be shocked to find your wife in bed with your best friend, even though he's been dead for eight years. Gemini May 21...
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Monday, October 19, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Awkwardness will prevail in your office this week as your co-workers try to pretend that the spontaneous Busby Berkeley number they walked in on never happened. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You will learn the true meaning of the phrase, "Out of the frying pan and into the fire"...
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Friday, October 16, 2009
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for life. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science-fiction convention. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 You will...
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