Thursday, November 4, 2010
Winterizing Tips
Winter, the season of sledding and snowmen, can be lots of fun—if you prepare in advance. Here are some tips on getting ready for the cold: If your heat is turned off, remember: In a pinch you can cut open your fat spouse and sleep in his/her 98.6° abdominal cavity. Use phrases like "I love you" and...
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Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Commuting Tips
Here are some tips to make the ride go more smoothly: To ensure an orderly security-screening procedure, arrive at your corner bus stop at least two hours in advance. An office carpool is a great way to increase your levels of stress, small talk, and coffee spilled in your lap, as well as the amount...
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Thursday, September 30, 2010
Aries The stars indicate that it’s time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets. Taurus If you are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood, you should plan to spend most of next week unconscious. Gemini A crazy mix-up will result in you being...
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Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Cold And Flu Prevention Tips
Here are some tips to help keep you healthy and germ-free during these cold winter months: Sneezing into a handkerchief just redirects germs back at you. Always sneeze outward so as to shoot germs as far across the room as possible. Pack your sinus cavities with Vicks Vap-O-Rub to fully mentholate...
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Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Earthquake Safety Tips
Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake: Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster...
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Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Camping Tips
Summer is just around the corner, and that means it's almost time for fun in the great outdoors. Here are some tips to make your next camping trip safe and enjoyable: Though not widely reported, America's raccoons and opossums are pitted against each other in a fierce turf war. Avoid getting caught...
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Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Summer Slim-Down tips
It's hard to believe it is time to put on that dreaded bathing suit. Here are some tips to help you shed those winter pounds and look great on the beach all summer long. Weight-loss is a serious issue, so don't be shy—get out that flensing knife and start cutting. Remember: The more reduced-fat...
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Monday, May 17, 2010
Choosing the right Health Club
Health clubs are a great way to get in shape, but not every club is right for every person. Here are some tips to help you find the one that best suits you: Some health clubs have creepy members who linger around the locker room and masturbate in the showers. If this is what you're looking for, be...
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Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Hurricane Safety Tips
Hurricane season is upon us. Here are some tips to help protect you and your loved ones in the event of such a storm: Quickly find shelter atop nearest roof, tree or pier. Run through torrents of rain screaming, "I warned you all!" while clutching placards emblazoned with apocalyptic Bible verses....
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Monday, May 3, 2010
Spring Cleaning Tips
Winter is finally gone, and that means it's time for spring cleaning. Here are some tips to help you get your home spic-and-span: When choosing a household cleaner, set up two identical shower doors side by side. Wipe one with the leading brand and the other with the bargain brand. Examine the...
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