Today's Horoscope

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Aries You will soon learn that it takes more to make a man a doctor than a sharp set of steak knives and a degree from a truck-driving school. Taurus No one can communicate effectively without the right tools, so make sure you have a good set of bench, shoulder and block planes. Gemini Take things... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Aries Your "important work for the government" is nothing more than income-tax filing. Please release the "Russian infiltrators" from your closet. Taurus Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all. Gemini... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Aries Everything you attempt this week will end in failure, which is a considerable improvement over that one week last year when everything ended in multiple births. Taurus You will be unable to have anything more than a simple Platonic relationship, so long as you resemble a simple Platonic solid.... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Aries Certain events of this week will serve to correct your misconception that salt is a good thing to rub in wounds. Taurus Your approaching birthday will make it harder and harder to stop imagining your parents busy conceiving you. Gemini Having a rusty spigot forcibly implanted in your abdomen... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Aries Stop yourself from gaining weight: Wrap your midriff in aluminum foil to block the CIA’s orbital stomach-control lasers. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a romantic hero, you will gradually evolve into a postmodern plot device. Gemini You've delivered babies, changed their diapers and taught... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Aries It's not that people won’t care when they see you get hit by a bus. It's just that they know an attention-getting ploy when they see one. Taurus Experts are still unable to adequately explain to you the difference between Ed Begley and Ed Begley Jr. Gemini Sadly, your best efforts to find a... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Sept 30th

Aries Your loud public whining about "getting the hell out of this podunk town" will finally drive your fellow Manhattanites over the edge. Taurus Yet another set of those annoying bony growths will fall off your head this week. Consider getting out of the caribou business. Gemini You can't for the... Sign in to see full entry.

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