Aunty Holly

A feline could spend their Entire nine lives fathoming the depths of staff existence. Humans often refer to this thankless task as 'philosophy', no doubt named by a philistine with a bad sense of humour! Nevertheless, it is astonishing to watch the workings of the human mind, as they site comatose in front of a glowing box, for hours at a time, transfixed by glaring colours and abomnable noise.. Do they not realise it is warmer to sit on top of the box, instead of infront of it? Should we not... Sign in to see full entry.

Occassionally staff may develop peculiar habits, which are quite endearing. On Tuesday they decided to offer a platter of gourmet cheese for feline consumption. "And where is the side order of mouse?" I meowed. Normally the staff diet is not fit for feline consumption – humans have a ghastly habit of placing delicious raw meat ontop a hotplate, not to mention their vast culinary array of vegetation, inevitably better left in the ground, or up a stalk! Despite this, in a gallant effort to amuse... Sign in to see full entry.

What an unagreeable weekend! My staff took it upon themselvers to release their carpet monster out of the coat cupboard! Why? – they rarely enjoy its presence, but insisted on this noisy, loathsome apparition wrecking my household's serenity. The monsters large, purple possum shaped body roared through the house, followed by its long grey tail, that snaked its way into our power sockets. Protruding from its ugly spiralling neck was a flat purple head, which poked into every conceivable corner of... Sign in to see full entry.

Human intelligence can be difficult to quantify, especially since many exhibit great difficulty in communicating between one another, let alone fulfilling a Feline's requirements. However, by having a F.I.T. “Feline Intelligence Test”, it is possible to easily ascertain how well your staff comprehend your needs. N.B. Avoid human IQ test equivalents – they are forced to employ inane tasks, in failed attempts to reassure staff of intelligence. Feline Intelligence Test (for Humans) 1.Feeding –... Sign in to see full entry.

Whenever staff become ill, it can be hard to sustain one's feline needs. Such was my plight this week! My humans, whom I naturally expect to lavish me with adoration, appear to have been thus pre-occupied, coughing and spluttering to great effect. Nevertheless, I am heartened to know that I am not alone in my woeful circumstances. Siberian Sabina asks, 'How do I know when my staff are unwell? I find it difficult to recognise the difference between a lazy householder, and a human with the flu.'... Sign in to see full entry.