Friday, July 7, 2006
10 Things I Hate
Asparagus. People who complain about their jobs but never to their bosses. Doing dishes. I'd rather clean toilets. Spammers and Hackers. People who don't give you notice they are visiting, changing your schedule, cancelling, etc. The price of gas. Publishers/artists who create/approve covers that...
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Wednesday, July 5, 2006
10 Reasons This Blog Hasn't Been Updated in Ages
Work comes before play. I haven't felt particularly amusing. I've had a hard enough time finding something to write on The Opinionated Critic. My priorities are all messed up. Just to see if anyone noticed. I keep forgetting to write down the lists as I come up with them, and senility prevents me...
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Monday, August 8, 2005
10 Things To Do with Leftovers
Send them home with relatives. Feeding your starving adult children. Save them, just in case this once you will actually eat them later. Donate them for scientific experiments. Put them in the front of the refrigerator in order to camoflauge the really good stuff from your thieving roommate. Feed...
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Friday, August 5, 2005
10 Things I'd Rather Be Doing Right Now
Spending the millions I don't have. Sleeping. Waving good-bye to the 13-year old as I send him off to military school. Eating chocolate without gaining weight. Looking at a shelf full of best sellers with my name on them. Having an affair with Fernando, the tall, sexy pool man who flaunts himself at...
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Thursday, August 4, 2005
10 Things I Never Want to Do
Go to prison. Live longer than my children. Live long enough that someone has to change my diapers. Commit suicide. Eat bugs, bovine entrails, or other "unusual" items just for fun or money. Live on welfare. Give up chocolate. Become my mother. Become addicted to drugs or alcohol. (Shopping, sex,...
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Wednesday, August 3, 2005
10 Ways to Fit Sex into a Busy Schedule
Self-service. Wake up at 3 a.m. for some uninterrupted delights. Learn to enjoy quickies in a locked bathroom with children/adults pounding away for entrance. Remote control personal vibrators with long range access will allow your partner to give you a thrill from across the city. Give up aerobics...
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Friday, July 29, 2005
10 Ways to Avoid Real Work
Marry rich. Never leave your parents' home. Work for the government. Take on special projects with no specific deadline that couldn't possibly be completed on time unless your normal work load is redistributed to other employees. Make it your life's ambition to get fired within the first week of...
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Thursday, July 28, 2005
10 Ways to Avoid Housework
Get a real job. Hire a maid. Move home with mom and let her do it. Whenever the place gets too dirty, move. Have a housecleaning party and let your friends clean it for fun. Invite your mom to visit and she will do it. Marry a cleanliness freak. Convince your psychiatrist you are crazy and in need...
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Wednesday, July 27, 2005
10 Ways to Prevent Your Blog From Being Read
White on white fonts. Miniscule font size. Writing in one huge paragraph while using period and commas like they cost money. Post infrequently and only at odd hours. Create havoc to the degree the Blogit gods kick you out and delete your blog. Write in a language foreign to the majority of the...
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Tuesday, July 26, 2005
10 Reasons Why Sex at the Speed of Light is not Advisable
This one is too good to miss and seems particularly appropriate for today, considering the shuttle launch. http://www.bol.ucla.edu/~johnmm/sexualphysics/procreation.htm If the penile contraction doesn't subdue the urge to have sex at the speed of light, I think the penis vaporization would do the...
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