Saturday, August 19, 2006
10 Signs Your Teenager Isn't Ready for a Car
You still cut up his meat because you don't trust him with a knife. The last time you discussed driving and responsibility, he didn't understand the correlation. He still thinks money grows on trees. You hear him on the phone planning a keg party at the local park. He still doesn't know how to put...
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Friday, July 28, 2006
10 Foods I Never Want to Eat
Tripe Sweetbreads Lima Beans Anything with bugs in it--intentional or otherwise Testicles Pigs feet Black-eyed peas Gruel Pre-chewed food Most varieties of jarred baby foods
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Wednesday, July 19, 2006
10 Things to Pack When Traveling with Kids
Valium Ear plugs Mini-DVD player with headphones Video games Snacks Dramamine Extra clothes Cleaning supplies Empty bags Boxing gloves
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Tuesday, July 18, 2006
10 Things to Do While on Hold
Update your blog. File your nails. Make a shopping list. Curse. Become even more frustrated than you were about whatever you were calling about in the first place. Build a model airplane. Clean your desk. View porn on the Internet. Watch grass grow. Learn to really, really hate bad music.
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Monday, July 17, 2006
10 Reasons to Elect Paris Hilton President
No one else wants the job. According to search engine hits, Paris Hilton is popular with the people, unlike Bush. Her family has the money to finance the campaign. It would get her out of the bars. Think of all the great parties she would throw at the White House. She needs a real job so she can...
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Friday, July 14, 2006
10 Things to Do While Bush Is in Office
Remember how he got into office. Try not to notice no one really wants the job. Remember who kept yammering for tax cuts without thinking of what those cuts would do to the overall financial picture. Put away your American flag, read your history and economic books, then come up with the real reason...
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Tuesday, July 11, 2006
10 Things to Do with an Annoying Freakin' Way Too Happy Cheerleader
Feed her to the bears. Send her overseas to cheer up the troops. Slap some pasties on her and give her a pole to dance around. Give her a gift certificate for therapy. No one that happy can also be sane. Give her a blog and name her Ariala. Give her a job as an aerobics instructor. Round them all up...
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Monday, July 10, 2006
10 Ways Kids and Dogs Are Alike
Both want to eat off your plate. Both are more attentive to instructions if you begin by saying their name. For examples: Colby, stay! Rover, sit! Both would rather sleep in your bed than theirs. No matter what you say, they both hear "blah, blah, blah". Neither understand the concept of time. Both...
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Sunday, July 9, 2006
10 Topics to Avoid on a First Date
Your mummified human finger collection. Wedding plans. Moving in together. Your mummified pet collection. A detailed account of every lover you have ever had, especially if it takes more than one hand to count them. Impotency. How much you hate everything about the date you are now on. The fact that...
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Saturday, July 8, 2006
10 Reasons to Give Up Housekeeping
You have better things to do with your time. If you don't do it, someone else will. It is a fruitless activity since the house is likely to just get dirty again. Living in filth helps build your natural immunities. Think of all the time it would free up for other things like blogging. Do only what...
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