Old News (The Unbearable Lightness Of Blogging)

If you're ever in public, and you trip and fall down several flights of stairs, I think the moment you hit the ground, you should immediately do a couple somersaults, then spread your arms out triumphantly, and shout, "Ta da!"... because that way, the whole thing will appear intentional. If you... Sign in to see full entry.

Soooo, anyways, my friends and I are all sitting in the cafeteria, eating lunch, when Manon drops a bombshell! MANON: I read on the internet that [Roger] Ebert's coming back in time for the Oscars. But get this, he had to have his jaw removed! ME (suddenly no longer hungry): What? MANON: They had to... Sign in to see full entry.

Okay, soooo, I just voted a couple minutes ago, as is my right, nay, duty as an American citizen. Now, naturally, I'm a busy girl, so I don't really have time to keep up to speed on whether or not, say, the county dogcatcher is worthy of reelection. Of course, my (much) less enlightened friends are... Sign in to see full entry.

You know what I bet would be a pretty good job to have? Running a nuclear reactor. Because that way, even if a terrible accident occurs, and there's a "complete core meltdown"... you'll just end up with some sort of cool superpower. Plus, you get to ride around in one of those little cars. Some... Sign in to see full entry.

Okay, soooo, this is usually the post where I'll say something like, "I hope everyone had a great weekend!" " Mine?" "Oh, it was horrible! But, thanks for asking." At which point, I typically begin droning on endlessly about all the incredibly amazing stuff that happened to me. However, today will... Sign in to see full entry.

I'm beginning to suspect Manon is gay, and I'll tell you why. First of all, she hates men. Plus, she's constantly touching me. You know, like, tickling me and stuff. Oh, and also sometimes, when we're having sex, she'll say the most suggestive things. It makes me very uncomfortable. Now, here's... Sign in to see full entry.

Soooo, right now, I'm helping my little cousin with his homework. I swear, this kid's a genius! I know everyone always says that about their relatives, but in this case, it's totally true! He can stick, like, eight crayons up his nose at once! Seriously! I must have been at least twice his age... Sign in to see full entry.

Rather than burying the dead in the ground, why not just tie a bunch of balloons to them instead? That way, when the funeral is over, we could all wave goodbye as we watch the body sail away into the sky. And then maybe afterwards, pie would be served. And now for something completely different: The... Sign in to see full entry.

If I ever die tragically in a specific location, like a hotel or a construction site, I don't think I'll come back and haunt the place... because, I mean, why dwell on the negative? The Initial Results Of My Undercover Investigation Into Paranormal Activity... Sign in to see full entry.

(plus My Super Scintillating Halloween Plans!) Soooo, another mischief night has come and gone. And once again, we were not immune from its terrible wrath. What kind of sickos would egg and wet toilet paper a defenseless car, anyway? Speaking of which, one can't help but wonder how the culprit (or... Sign in to see full entry.