Saturday, March 28, 2009
I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
I slept very little that night. I had rented the car. Went by to see my mama's boy number one. He was feeling really good he was always so relaxed when he was drinking. Funny and adventurous some of our best sex was had when he was drinking. Then he would crash and sleep for hours. He was looking old and tired he had drank for the most of his adult life. He was basically a good person a good soul. Today i wanted to thank him for coming to the funeral. He said he was glad i dropped by he wanted...
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Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
After talking to my addiction i thought maybe i had put this man through as much as he had put me through emotionally. For a player that is unusual that's what keeps me hoping and hanging on to this relationship(a romantic or passionate attachment).He can be so caring,but he can be that way with her and every other woman he talks to. He calls me baby but he calls all the other ladies he is playing baby. Uses the same tone. Nothing is different for me than any other woman in his life. I wonder if...
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Monday, March 23, 2009
I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
As i entered the house the phone was ringing i stopped and picked it up. It was my addiction.Where did you go?Why did you leave? Well it was family and i know we have not been open with our relationship(a romantic or passionate attachment).That's because i am not sure about us if we are for real. Baby i have been where i needed to be when i needed to be there.Why you feel i am not real i have been there for you i love you.You need to stop thinking i am not for real or the one. I keep telling you...
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I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
Today we bury my mama my Miss Lucy i had gave mama that nick name several years back and it just stuck. It is a cold raining day i can't help but think that Wednesday was a beautiful day warm and spring like. My addiction called this morning i finally took his call.Hey baby how are you?What is the name of the church? Missionary Baptist i answered. Is there something you need? No i am find see you later. Why was he coming was it out of obligation? A co-worker doing what he should or maybe he...
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I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
Today i am feeling a little bit anxious mama has been gone two days now. I have completely closed down if not for my sister-in-law staying with me i would have been alone. My addiction has called but i have not connected with him. Because at this moment in my life if i felt any kind of rejection i could not stand it. I have not returned the call i don't know why.I am afraid to feel anything right now i feel like i am numb. Walking,talking doing what's expected of me but feeling nothing. It has...
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Thursday, March 19, 2009
I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
I walked to the nurse's desk she directed me to the end of the hall. I knew at the end of the hall there would be something i would not want to face. I knew mama was gone i stoped midway of the hall and i thought can i deal with this the ending to where my beginning began. The one who created me is gone so what i do now.I went in the room they had finished they said i am sorry you mama did not make it. I am sorry mama did not make it but she made it to a greater place,safer,happier,no more...
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Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
I awoke to the ringing of the phone. Hello, it was the home a man with a heavy accent asked to speak to mama's next of kin.I immediately became scared speaking i replied. You need to come right away. I did not even ask why my stomach was telling me why.I grabbed my coat and threw on my shoes and dashed out. In the car i called Ray and told him to meet me there. To call anyone else he felt needed to know. I have eight sibling but recently i felt like i was an only child. Taking care of mama on my...
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Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
As i entered the house the phone rang.Hello it was the hospital they were moving mama tonight. I guess my phone call will need to wait.I called Ray to tell him they are moving mama to the home. I got there the EMT's were there with mama. This frail little women looked at me with eyes of trust. Mama i said you want be here long and i will be here. I made her comfortable and went home. As i reached the door i heard the phone it was Lane. Hi, girl she said i been wondering about you. How is your...
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Monday, March 16, 2009
I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
I returned to mama's house to see my brother John there waiting.John was by older brother he had been to the middle three times. He just like getting married not staying married. His first wife was older than him and his second wife the same age and number three younger. So he had them in all age groups and ethnic groups.What's up John? How is mama? She is at the hospital about three miles from here. I know i am going but this girl is on me all the time. Brother John had a new woman in his life...
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I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
After my evening with Mr. Wright i decided i would visit mama at the hospital. Mama was asleep when i arrived. I so wished i could talk to mama i could always share my misery with her. She would say that's none of my business then give me advice anyway. Now mama was not here for me anymore and i needed to share my misery. I talked to her anyway as i often did when i came to see her. Mama i am so confused about all this attention i am getting while down here. I left my addiction to come down here...
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Sunday, March 8, 2009
I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
I left the dinner it was time my sister's were ganging up on me. About my life style or what they thought was my life style. They thought i had men every night of the week and never cooked or cleaned. Driving over to Alan's house i heard a song on the radio that reminded me of my addiction. Immediately my stomach did flip flops i hope this man always makes me fill this way. I felt all warm and it was not from the car heater. It had been week since i last seen him and my body knew it. It had away...
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I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
Let this dinner be short and sweet please no discoveries tonight. My sister as usual had cooked i would have went to the deli or ordered something. She was proud of the fact she was a good cook and rubbed it in. I did not care about cooking by talents lay else where.I was accomplished in my job,i had my own money,my own house and i was banging a younger man. She probably had not had none in years. Everyone was there i was surprised.Even my other sister was there she was not close to mama. Had...
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I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
My older brother rook daddy to the hospital where they bandaged up his head. Doctor Martin asked daddy what had happen. He said he was working outside in the yard cutting a limb from a tree and it fell and hit his head. Everyone knew everything in this small town now knew mama had got her revenge. Everyone at he emergency room was giving mama silent shouts for they had seen her many times. knowing it was no accident that had brought her there. Daddy was quieter for a few days and he did not turn...
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I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
After talking with my addiction i realized i am getting stronger. My voice did not sound so desperate. I was glad to hear from him as usual but something had changed with me. Was it that now that this man was attainable i was not as interested. Getting close to that middle time for me to run. The phone rang as it did constantly since i had been here. It was a voice from the past, at first i did not recognize. Hi, do you know who you are talking to? Not sure remember this sunshine girl. Alan, why...
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Friday, March 6, 2009
I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE
Hearing his voice made me realize that i need to finish my business and get home. He said i miss you i doubted everything this man said. My decision to stop and relax was solid. I said i miss you also. Do i need to come down there and help? What can i do for you baby? He had already done it just my saying it. What have you been up to? Did i really want to know. Missing you typical player answer good i respond. Being with this man was goanna take some getting used too. I could not go about my...
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